The Pink Diary

The First Flirt

2009-11-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

I am growing up in the Pink world. I had never been able to flirt with a boy/man. Yesterday I did...with a cab driver.

Before this I would always find my prey on my bed...not that they were waiting for me there. They just happened to share bed with me and I took advantage of the situation.

A few times when I decided to talk my mind to a guy, I just wouldn't find the right words.

Surprisingly I did this time. However, I didn't succeed at my efforts in the end. Still I like to think of the entire episode.

I was late from office and boss suggested that I take a cab. He was a jat but I didn't notice until he went down to pee at Dhaula Kuan. The force of his pee on the ground took my attention. Then and there, I made up my mind to take him to bed.

He took his seat by the steering and I began my task.

"It's getting cold now"

Yes, he told.

"Ghar me biwi ho to thandi se acchi mausam nahi hai"

"Why aren't you married yet", he asked.

"Arre kahan...aapki ho gayi shadi".

My past experiences have shown that it's really easy to prey on men who are eagerly waiting to be married or living apart from family for long. So this question was important. And his answer was really disappointing.

"Yes, I am married...but my family is back in the village."

Oh some ray of hope.

"Toh thand katna toh bahut difficult hota hoga"

He smiled.

And then I threw some arrows on target.

"Kuch aisa waisa shauk to rakhte hoge time katne ke liye".

I couldn't believe myself. Is it me?

Main samjha nahi! Kaise shauk?

Arre, women or may be boys. Haven't you tried with boys at the place you stay?

He got embarrassed.

No, he blurted.

Hey, I have heard that Jats are too hot. Is that correct?

He didn't answer.

Haven't you ever tried with boys?

He didn't answer again.

With your kind of physique any boy will be ready to do with you...me too.

I had finally talked my mind. And I saw him checking me on the mirror intently...for a second... and then he just started driving.

What was that reaction? I just couldn't decipher. Would he or wouldn't he answer to my desires.

I was getting anxious by now. My destination was coming near and I wanted him to answer fast...very fast. Because now my voice was shivering and I was shivering too.

He didn't talk. I too didn't talk to him, just that he switch off the AC because I was really feeling hot after that hot spurt of testosterone.

He dropped me at my house and I paid him. At night I jerked myself thinking of him. sometimes failures too are too enticing to think of.

Pushed to be different

2009-07-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

A bill-board near North Delhi announced "Show Heart...Donate Blood".

But a man pressurized by a natural desire to pee, decided to do something different.

He unzipped himself. Brought his organ out and donated his urine.

Different na...

Why I like doing it with straights

2009-05-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

My last few encounters have been with gays who I found on gay dating websites. But lemme confess. All these sex-counters have left me more dissatisfied than satisfied. And it has forced me to think if I really want to do with these experienced and easy-to-lead-to-bed guys.

After each such encounter, I ask myself if I want to meet someone again, and I don't hear my heart thumping eagerly. Each time the heart has different reasons, but the fact is that I don't want to meet the guy again.

So what is it? Do I like to do with straights? Yes, I like doing it with straight guys; and I have reasons.

The whole process of getting attracted to flirting to finally sleeping with a straight guy is filled with excitement. For several days (sometimes weeks), you wait for just the right opportunity to hit the topic. There's a war between your mind and heart. Should you? Shouldn't you? And when you finally get to bed him, it's like a great accomplishment. The entire affair gets etched in your memory. More than the guy, it is fantasising about the guy that brings you to climax.

With a gay, the process is not so arousing. It begins with spotting a good profile or pic on a gay dating website. Otherwise, it's a referral by someone you know. You just need to share your pics and if possible chat online or on phone. And that sets the process. You meet one fine day and do everything to satisfy the body lust. As you come home tired, you are not very sure if you want to meet the guy again. You don't take his phone and soon the guy becomes a forgetful past. It often works with me this way. May differ in case of some of my readers.

Then there's the issue of experience. Now here's where many of my readers will differ with me. While they will emphasise on sleeping with experienced guys (because they do better sex), I choose the novice. May be that's because I too am a novice - at least in the choice of techniques. Moreover, there's a raw appeal to the straight guy. He too is just discovering this aspect of sex. So we can plan the sex-counter in the way we want.

Gays, who are well experienced in gay sex, will amaze you with the techniques they use. One man insisted on licking my ass. Since it was new for me, I let him. But soon he wanted me to do the same for him. No, I said. I am not into such kinky things. Also I would abstain from things that are unhygeinic. Another man wanted me to rub his fluid onto my body. Eeeeksssss.

Readers will ask if it was not me who went to that unhygeinic public toilet. But that was because of desperation. Would never do that if given a choice. Now it has been over half an year that I have not gone to that place.

There are many more reasons to choose straight over gays. But the problem is that straights are too hard to find. Not that all men have become gays. It is just that it is too difficult to convince them to sleep with you. Ever since I have started living with family, there has been no opportunity for me to find a straight. But it is they who have taken away my heart. Until then gays are just timepass.

Oh can someone shut-up this women

2009-05-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

My Bhabhi gave birth to a son this February. To take care of the baby, Bhabhi's mother has come along with her.

An old women that she is, she loves talking. And although I wouldn't want to be a part of her womanly and boring talks, I am always drawn into it. Since I am working from home these days, she feels that I am unemployed and keeps talking to me non-stop. Although I keep my eyes stuck to the computer and say hmm after long intervals, she won't take the signal that I am not interested in her talks.

And her talks mechanically veer towards my marriage. What's worse, the talks are the same everyday.

"I will be so very happy if you marry from devghar (the place where she lives)."

"I pray to God that your wife is as good as your other two sister-in-laws (both are from the same family)."

"Now your mother will know what it is to get a bride from an unknown family."

"I hoped that your nephew and neice are old enough to enjoy in your marriage."

God, does she have any other topic to discuss. I secretly fear that she wants me to marry her third and last daughter although she hadn't have the courage yet to raise the topic. My mother is already too vexed about marying my two elder brothers in the same house.

Also this girl who is the sister of my Bhabhis, I would have never married her even if I was straight. God she is so shrewd; and the last time she came, we stopped talking because she would forever teach bad things to my Bhabhi.

Still marriage is a thorny question. I have escaped it until now but how long shall I escape it. Some days the institution will get onto me and tie me with a girl who I may not love for her body, although I would want to love her for her heart. What's more, I like the normal relationship between men and women. How good would it have been if I was able to live one such relationship

Let's see, kya hota hai. My personal experience with life says that the more I leave an issue to the future, the more favourable result I get. There's no point losing my head over the issue. God always takes me out of my problems.

So the best I can do now is leave the issue to future. If I am destined to marry a girl, so be it. Before that I won't be able to muster enough courage to come open before my parents and the public.

Love at the Sahyadris

2009-04-29T00:11:00.000-07:00

I had seen Neeraj a few times in the locality. With a well toned body and a fair complexion, he would arouse me each time he passed by me. Then I learnt that he was the room-partner of one of my classmates S.

One day when I was in S's room, I heard how Neeraj used to sleep naked and his large blackish organ would peep out of the blanket in the morning. Although it was a fairly normal talk for a normal gathering of boys, it stirred the gay in me.

But I never got a chance to size him until one day.

S liked to go check different places. He talked me into accompanying him to Harishchandragadh, a four hour journey from Pune. On the D-day, I was expecting a huge group, but it turned out to be just S, Neeraj and me.

The Maharashtra State bus was to take-off at 1.30 in the night. While S took his place near the conductor, Neeraj and I sat on one of the front seats. The bus was otherwise empty. As soon as the bus left the bus stand, the driver turned off all lights. The only lights now were from the vehicles coming from the other side.

S and Neeraj began to doze of as soon as they hit the seats. I cannot sleep while on a moving bus. Tired of looking at the dark outside, it suddenly hit me if I can touch Neeraj.

Once that realisation dawned on me, I could think of no other.

Slowly I closed my eyes and moved closer towards Neeraj. This works like an alibi since you can always tell that you were sleeping and not responsible for your subconscious actions.

First I moved my hand over his thighs. When there was no reaction, I got encouraged to move it closer to his organs. Just then there was a brilliant light from the other side and I pulled off. When it was dark again, I once again put my hands, this time straight on his groin. There was no reaction again. Good for me, since I can further size him up in the meanwhile. But Neeraj didn't react that entire night. Could he be sleeping all through the ordeal? May be. May be not.

The next day was a hectic trek. Harishchandragadh was a 25km trek up on several steep hills overlooking deep gullies. We spent the night at caves built at the foothills of Sahyadri. A local resident helped us with hot blankets and carpet. But this was too less for the three of us. S would always snatch a major part of the blanket leaving the two of us cold. Since I was sleeping in between S and Neeraj, I was at a relative advantage. The day's trek had a toll on us and we felt asleep very soon.

At night I was woken from sleep when I felt someone hugging me tightly. He was in his undies and had a hard on his organs. Although I prayed to God that it is Neeraj, I didn't know if it really was him. It was dark inside the cave and I had lost my sense of direction being abruptly woken from sleep. As I moved my hand on his body, I was pretty sure that it was he.

So Neeraj had been all awake through the bus journey.

I gave myself to him. The darkness of the cave was the perfect setting to make love.

Later when we returned from our trip, he came one night when my roommate was out to Mumbai. We spent the whole night trying new things and I was craving for more.

Sweet are the fruits of patience

2009-04-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Raj Kumar was a friend of my brother and it was love at first sight. Unlike the other friends of my brother, who were shabbily dressed and looked like bookworms, he gave me a turn-on from day one. He always sported a day's stubble and liked to dress in trendy T-shirts and denims. Tall, dark and handsome fitted him so well as a description.

Months elapsed before I actually got a chance to sleep with him.

It was a sunday evening and I was all alone at home. He came looking around for my brother just then.

Somewhere deep in my heart I had this feeling that this was my last chance to have him. I knew he would go if told that my brother isn't at home. Instead I said that he has just gone round the corner. He agreed to wait and I knew my chance was still there.

But making the move has always been a weakness for me. There he was sitting just half a metre away on the bed next to mine. But I wasn't getting the words and courage to approach him. I could feel the shivering in my hands and feet. Not that I feared that he might complain to my brother. When the urge for sex becomes stronger, one often doesn't think of consequences.

Half an hour elapsed and I still wasn't able to say him the right words.

Just then he signalled that he must go since it has been very long. I could see my world falling apart. Will I miss the golden opportunity to sleep with this hunk? No, I will die if I miss it now after coming so close to it.

Words can be dangerous. They seldom come at the right time. So I decided to find recourse in action.

As Raj Kumar rose to go, I approached him and said, "I want to see yours". Saying this I moved my hands over his zipper.

Now the ball was in his court. And I waited for his reaction.

He was shocked.

"Why do you want to see mine? It's the same as yours."

That's a question difficult to answer. You can well say that you are a gay and you like doing it with men.

But that answer can land you in trouble if the other party decides to not accept your proposal and worse publicise your pervertness.

Instead it is much easier to look confused and keep beating about the bush. I did the same.

"Okays but not today. I will come tomorrow", he said.

My happiness knew no bounds. It was like I had acheived a feat.

Only if I had seen him (his organs) once. Patience pays, I consoled myself.

The next day was alone for me again. I was eagerly awaiting Raj Kumar. The previous night I fantasised him in my dreams. When he didn't come until lunch, I gave up on his visit. Maybe he is one of those guys who miss such a great pleasure thinking of ethics.

That afternoon, I slept with a heavy heart.

There was a knock on the door. I thought I was dreaming. When the knocks continued, I went to the door and there he was.

I didn't know how to react. Finally my dream of months was going to be realised. I would be able to feel the touch and smell of Raj Kumar, the guy who I fantasised almost every day during those months.

I asked him to come inside and locked the door. Today he sat beside me instead of the other bed. Both of us didn't know how to start the conversation. It was he who made the start.

But what he said came as a shock. He began lecturing me on ethics and normality. "Hey, I know them and have not been waiting for you to hear these", I wanted to say to him. But I kept my cool. Deep in my heart I had this feeling that he was here because he wanted the same thing as me, not to lecture me. An hour slid by before we did anything.

Finally frustrated with the rhetoric, I said, "Okays we can forget about what happened yesterday evening if you want. I will think I never met you". This did the trick. He quickly said that he didn't want to forget me as well.

"Wow I have been waiting to hear this from you the entire afternoon", I joked and we hugged each other.

Loneliness eating into my existence

2009-02-16T00:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I can feel a void in my life. Although I release the frustration by releasing the seminal juice, I cannot understand what is it that I am really looking for.

If it’s a sex partner that I am searching for, I have had them in sufficient numbers. In my 27 years of existence, I have slept with more than two dozen men, making the average of one sex partner for every year. But each sexual encounter left me more dissatisfied. There was something that was missing in each of these short and long relationships.

Then my mind tells that my search would end at a friend. A friend, who may or may not be my kind, but who understands me. A friend with who I can share my feelings. A friend who will be with me thru thick and thin.

And then I rue about the loads of good friends that I let go because of one reason or other.

S was a childhood friend. He was who I could share everything with. Although a few years junior, we had grown together and he quit sports because I was not much of a sports guy (I would forever feel guilty for this). We enjoyed each others company. But there was a gap. As I reached my teens, it had dawned upon me that I am a gay. Although I had wanted to tell him many a times, I couldn’t ever find the courage. Then I moved to Delhi. His father retired and the entire family settled in their village. Now all we have as a friendship left are some phone calls and once in a year meetings.

Ann had been with me in class since Kindergarten. We would sit together at class. It was so much of a fun. We would laugh at the silliest of jokes. He had the most awful handwriting. I would joke that I can write better with my left hand. Joy joined our group and it was more fun. Ann’s father was transferred and he shifted school while in eighth standard. I was so lazy not to ever visit him at his new home just an hour away. I last met him at Delhi. He came to visit me at my office. I wasn’t able to meet him like the Adi of his childhood. Too much time had elapsed between our friendship.

I was never very good at making friends. I was too much of an introvert to make the first move. I was too much of a sissy to attract friendship proposals from others. Also I was finding easy preys in friends. As if people read my mind, they were not very welcoming.

So it has been a friendless existence that I have lived for all these years.

Quite a large number of gays that I have met have complained about this void in their lives. D, who is a bottom like me, wants to get married to get over this friendless existence, although he knows that he is incapable of maintaining a normal relationship with women. Sometimes, I too have similar feelings. It is so good to look at loving couples – they are more friends to each other than a partner in sex. I feel lonely at this age. What will be my state when I turn old, say 40, and decide to not marry? Will I become a party animal and visit clubs to do away with the loneliness (I hate them although I fancy attending them. They make me uncomfortable). But also I cannot ruin a girl’s life by marrying her. Also I will be ruining myself – I end at such disappointing notes always – because I am myself very uncertain.

Nigah Queer Cafe

2009-02-16T00:34:00.000-08:00

Read about Nigah Queer Café at Guys4men.com and after an hour long duel with my mind, joined the gay meet at Connought Place in the evening today (I had to lure it with the thought of encountering lovely guys).

Although the programme was to start at 6.30 in the evening, reached there half an hour early, only to find the hall empty with chairs lined up and a projector screen at the other end of the hall.

Akhil was the first one to turn up. I soon picked up conversation with Akhil, who turned up to be a North Campusian. There was Davey too, a black guy with a great sense of humour. Donation and the backstage restroom figured many times in his talks. You will have to spare me for the donation this time. See I haven’t received my salary for the month of January.

Held on the eve of Valentines Day, how could have love missed the discussion. But we all chose to not define love. In fact, it is too broad a concept to define in so short a session.

People started coming in. There was Neelima with a friend; Neelima, with that mellifluous voice (I hate the use of adjectives, but her voice will look bland otherwise). And when she sang “aaiye meharban”, I was like transported to another world. She closed with an emosional atyachar from the movie Dev-D.

A few more people followed. Deepak entered the room and it was love at first sight. In specs, he really looked cool. The poem he read out of Margaret Atwood was enough to create at least a week long impression on my mind. Also there was Parth (or what was his name… the one with the French and Punjabi connection and with a deep voice). Deepak and Parth, you can drop your contact details in the comments if you please. Sorry, I have this habit of meandering away from the topic. Excuse me for the digressions.

Akhil did a wonderful job of story telling. He read from a Hindi novel on LGBT issues by Gitanjali Shree. Davey did a superb reading of his poem ‘her-ass-meant’, wordplay on the word ‘harassment’. Anuradha, another performer, read out beautiful poems to the audience.

Yes, there were also people from the Pink Chaddi campaign, the ones running a campaign against the Sri Ram Sene and Pramod Muthalik and the Mangalore incident. And immediately after the introduction on the campaign was the Pink Chaddi poem called chatak gulabi chaddi. Man, the guy would go mad hearing this poem with all the abuses.

More performances and finally it was time to use the projector screen. A documentary on AIDS followed. It was after the break and I missed a major part of the film. If anyone wants to fill in with more information on the film, he/she is welcome to do so as comments.

Also met H. During the break, he shared with me a Philipino organisation that says homosexuality can be altered. What say? I am meeting H some day again.

Quite satisfying the meet was. It was my first time and I loved the informal nature of the meet. Although my mind is a little disappointed with me for not meeting enough guys. I am consoling it about the next time Nigah comes up with a gay meet. Guys, I hope you will be sweet enough to let my mind choose some macho guys in the next meet.

Career in doldrums

2009-02-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come through a situation where your wishes get fulfilled and you are not satisfied? The dissatisfaction is because there is another wish that’s on top of your mind at that particular point of time.

I am going through a similar situation these days.

At times, I was so angry at my schedule that I would crave for a break. Now I have ample time to myself, but I am not satisfied. Because right now finding a new job is on top of my mind.

The company that I have been working for around two years now is closing down. January month’s salary is still due. We have yet not taken the February month’s salary into account.

Not that this happened all of a sudden. The symptoms of the company headed towards closure could be felt as early as October, when our appraisals were postponed without any notice. The recession was in full swing and everyone thought that it’s better to continue getting salaries than being laid off like the lakhs of people working in top notch companies. Also our organisation was not asking for salary cuts like some companies in news. Also none of the business models, the company tried, had been profitable (will not go into these details).

But I knew that it is high time to change now. This was still October. I started looking for job opportunities. But the job market had taken a hit because of the economic slowdown, particularly the IT sector was too cautious at hiring. Besides the boss was so fussy about leaves that it was quite difficult to schedule interviews. Many a times I missed a job opportunity because the recruiter wanted me to come on a weekday and I vouched for a Saturday. Also, as our company started some new initiatives, I thought we have bought some time for job search.

But the sky fell on me on the fourth week of January.

During an informal meeting boss asked me to start searching job. At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. Is boss asking me to search job? My first reaction was of happiness. Finally, I can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon I realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. “How many days, sir”, I asked as if enquiring about a patient on deathbed. He didn’t give an answer and the colleague came out of his cabin with a shock on his face. The news spread like fire all over the organisation and a gloom pervaded.

The news about delayed salaries for January was divulged on the last day of the month.

At first my parents were shocked to hear this news. They had been listening to these news regularly on news channels. Now it had taken a toll of their own. A day later they decided to assure me to not fret. “You can easily get another job. Also what responsibilities you have to be so disappointed at job loss. Think of all those people who have a family to look after”, they said.

I know I have no responsibility. But once you become independent, it is so very difficult to fall back on your parents. Neither my parents, nor my brothers will ever cringe at fending for me. But I have grown up and I have a self esteem. I can’t go back to my parents and sit there doing nothing.

I have taken up to job search with a greater force now. Updated my resume on major job portals. Made changes in the resume to make it more attractive and leverage my skills.

But it is quite late now. At least that is what comes out of my week long job search.

The job market looks exhausted. Recruiters who used to be constant hindrance with their job calls seldom call these days. Each time the cell phone rings, I take it up with the thought of encountering the recruiter.

Salaries have become stickier subjects these days. When you disclose your salary, the hiring managers look disappointed. When you propose to cut your salary (to somehow get the job), they look at you with suspicion.

Most job portals have the same jobs for weeks. Companies are not hiring.

The recession is far from over. It is predicted to last until 2010 and the impact of it will pervade until the next two years. And I was thinking of job searching when the market improved a bit.

It has been 12 days in February and I still have no job in hand. I haven’t given resignation from my present company, although I am not attending office regularly.

Was planning to go home in February end, but think it will be better to postpone the plans right now. It will be so embarrassing to face people with an unemployment tag. Even in good times I am not that much of a people’s man. Only yesterday, my sister-in-law was complaining that I talk so little to her these days. Everyone thinks I am depressed about not getting jobs. Brother suggested that I go back to parents for a change. But I will not want to go now. Maybe I miss some of the interview calls.

Let’s see what has god in store for me. Until now life has been a cake walk for me. Never did I have to fret over a thing for long. Opportunities came up and I took them up without much questioning. Yes, there have been times when Life is threatened to be stalled. But I have let time to make path for me. Wasn’t I very tensed at the thought of contracting AIDS? Then I underwent a test and I was given a clean chit. Similarly the college authorities threatened to reject my candidature for exams. But when I went to submit the exam forms, they accepted it happily, not even charging a penalty. At first, he couldn’t believe his ears. Is boss asking him to search job? His first reaction was of happiness. Finally he can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon he realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. May be I will tide over this situation as well. But when will it be is the question that is raging over in my head.

Ah after so long

2009-01-30T23:04:00.000-08:00

yeah it has really been very long since i posted here. also there were 2 comments which i published it today only.

not because that i was all that busy. in fact my job is going to go and i will be very free from then on. god i don't want to be unemployed. please wish me luck my friends that i get a job soon. i want to be secure before my boss asks me to go.

actually why i was not writing or not even checking the dashboard, which is my favourite task, is a colleague who once spotted me opening the pink diary's stat report. although he didn't see what it was (thank god for that) he felt something fishy. i saved myself by telling that it is a content project that i had taken long back.

in the meantime, i got checked for AIDS. on 31st december i was free and instead of going to any parties (which noone had invited me to), i went to RML, delhi and got myself checked. thankfully i don't have AIDS. but i am still not convinced. actually that feminish guy i slept with (that i also mentioned in my last posts; the one with the kajal), i have doubt on him. but it also gives clean chit to all my past lovers.they were clean.

aur kya. bas ab job khojunga. kabhi mauka mila to ek do sexcapades bhi kar lunga. but first priority is a job. see a job is a man's identity. yes i am a man. not like J who wants to feel himself a lady; although both of us are pure bottoms.

chalo moving now.

yes one more thing. talks about my marriage has subsided. lagta hai parents now really know how unsafe my career is.

take care. bye for now.

The pressure for marriage is increasing.

2008-12-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

The pressure for marriage is increasing.

now how do i explain to my parents that i am a gay and I cannot marry a girl.

not that i wouldn't have wanted to start a normal life. Even i like when a beautiful couple recounts their marriage years. but i know my limitation.

i am a passive gay. had i been an active one, i would at least have staged a fake marriage while actively pursuing an active gay life. but she would know me on day one of marriage. I wouldn't get excited on seein a girl.

And who am i to spoil a girl's life. that is not ethically correct. also i cannot expect her to love me without being satuisfied sexually- now that is such an important part of a marriage - that will only mean that i give her a go ahead to fulfill her sexual desires outside - which i cannot bear . I know i am being partial but ...

Also i don't have the guts to come open before my parents. also not the society.

so i am acting the postponiong game for now. thanks to the recession, i have convinced my parents that my job too is in danger. and so they have agree to wait until some years.

but these old parents of girls won't let me to live in peace. almost every week there is some or other person to meet father for my marriage.

god knows what is in store.

AIDS/ HIV test

2008-12-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

Did i tell u i was all alone for this entire week and i had decided to end my fast (I hope I have told you that i have not slept with men for an year now) in a grand way.

so including R, I have already slept with 2 men and i am already feeling the guilt pangs. Yes, if i go about my licentious behaviour for long, i start feeling the guilt pangs. so no sex for now.

so what do i do today. being a saturday, it was an off for me and i wanted to do something useful, not spend the entire day watching TV.

why don't i get tested for HIV?

Don't see me that way. i know i have slept with so many men but most of them were just sleeping and some body play. Only i few people have got the luxury to insert in me. And they too were quite novices, me being their first times.

But i have spent the whole day but no test.

why? that's a long story.

Got several numbers from Just Dial (22222222) but most of them were useless. some of them were outdated, others were not working in the field. Finally someone suggested that i go to some government hospital, which i didn't want. I wanted tio go to some specialised agency. the AIDS helpline number helped little - none was picking1197. 1097 too failed.

so the entire day was spent and none of my plans acheived. may be tomorrow i will go somewhere.

R again

2008-12-13T05:52:00.001-08:00

R too was an disappointment, at least his physical features were not all that to wow-wow about.

but he sure knew how to please me. In the half hours time that we spent together, my satisfaction levels reached to Neeraj times (ah that was an old lover with who I spent many a good times).

So R wasn't as good looking as his voice. He had hairs all over. Hey I am not being fussy, just that some amount of hair is okay, not all over your body.

It was a small meeting and went off without much to talk about. I am not very eager to meet im once again. Besides he has too much of an attitude. okays i m not going to devote such a big post to him.

R is coming to home today

2008-12-09T23:32:00.000-08:00

people wish me luck. am meeting R today. remember R i talked about in one of my last posts.

he would be coming at my home today. did i tell you i am all alone for this entire week. yes, after a really long time. bhaiya bhabhi have gone to father's place. actually my bhabhi is going the family way (i mean she is going to give us a bhatija or bhatiji - whatever it be)

so i am utilising the time alone for bringing some excitement in life...you see e fasting period has been much too long - more than an year. had it not bee for the public toilet, i would have died of starvation.

yes, there's one more thing i would like to share. on monday i went to the same public toilet after bidding bhaiya bhabhi a farewell. and there i picked up a boy. oh it was such a disappointment. although he was a top, he was so feminish. i hate that kind of a behaviour. thankfully i brought him home late at night. and i was further aghast to look at his eyes which had kajal applied to them. yuck.

okz forget that. R is coming and i am already liking him - the way he talks, the way he addresses me as baby, the way we share our interests and all. by far it has just been a telephonic date. wish me luck that he comes to my expectations. also that he likes me. i am not that cheesy kind of gays around. in fact i don't want to be one. see i have to live a public life as well.

Another man in my life

2008-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

I have laid more than two dozen men and failed at laying another two dozen people in all my life.

Now don't look at me like a slut. With most of them it was a mutual masturbation kind of behaviour.

With one guy there wasn't even masturbation. But I always feel guilty for M.

Why? that's a long story, but not as big as this post. So listen what happened.

Finding sex partner on yahoo messenger has always intrigued me. But not recently as two years ago, I brought home my first laptop and it was then that I actually started talking to boys.

but as a novice that i was, I went into the general chat room available on yahoo messenger. back in those days I didn't know of gay specific chat rooms. But none of the boys was ready to waste time in chatting with a boy. I mean they were straight guys and were hunting for girls.

So it was a girl that I took an avatar as (I mean virtually). created my first Yahoo ID as a female and in came a flood of boys waiting to chat with a girl.

bahut sarey ladkon ko apney peeche bhagaya (boys were mad after my virtual identity). They loved the way I chatted. Some of them left their phone numbers. others showed me their private parts through webcam. some of them invited me to their homes. I declined everyone.

and then I met Mikku. very different from all. Talked well but not obscenely. We would talk all kinds of things. He told me he was studying at a reputed B-school in Delhi, and hailed from rajasthan. I told that I was from Orissa so that he doesn't insist on a meeting.

I had started developing a liking for him. He was soft spoken but had a great sense of humour (turns me on). We would talk for hours at a stretch. I would gforget all tensions once I talked to him. He came online after 3 in the noon and I would hastily complete all tasks so that i can spare it for M.

M too had developed a love feeling for me. He said that his parents are forcing him for marriage. I didn't say anything. He said he had talked about me to his elder sister. I rebuked him for it.

Inside, i always knew that mikku is in love with the virtual identity. it is not me that he loves.

but i didn't have the guts to open before him. he was sullen for a number of days when i had tried to open up one day. And now if he comes to know that the girl he is loving and planning to marry is a boy, he will be shattered.

I didn't want to ruin M. I loved him too.

So the best was to disappear completely from yahoo.

Many months later, when i again logged into yahoo messenger with the same ID, There were several offline messages left for me. there was also one from M. he was going to marry on the 10th of that month. he had written:

"gauri, I am marrying on the 10th of this month. I don't know what happened between us. I don't know if I didn't look suitable to you. but if you want, u can still return to me. I don't care who you are and how you are until you are the same gauri that i have loved"

Sorry M. Yes i am the same gauri and I do love you a lot, but i will not be able to return to you. hope that god gives you the strength to forget me

A new man in my life

2008-11-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

R is the new man in my life. Most probably meeting him tomorrow.

haven't met him yet, but his talks gives me a thrill.

J called after a long time and then he asked if I am free...free in the sense that their are no sex partners as of now.

Nah, I told. He knows everything about the no boyfriend thing and still fakes ignorance.

And then he told me about R, who he has slept with, and asked me if I would be ready to sleep with R.

certainly dear...I can no longer starve for sex and will do it with the ugliest of persons.

He is not ugly. in fact a punjabi that he is, you will actually enjoy; J ensured.

Wow, a punjabi. They have always been my favourites. also I like jats a lot. have you seen this vijendra guy, the one who won that bronze in olympics for india. I lust for his body but wo bahut oonchi cheez hai (not accessible).

Okays coming to R now.

I have just talked to him now. He is a 30 years old married but genuine guy.

he opened his heart to me and so did I. Since most of the days I have talked to him from inside the office premises, we couldn't talk about sex a lot. but yes whatever I talked was satisfying. He asked my stats and was a bit impressed. not that I have that bobby darling kind of looks. In fact I hate to have such things. Even though I am a bit feminine, I don't want to make an outward show of the same. I have to live like a normal guy in the public and so all gayish behaviours inside the sex room only.

okz ending now. wish me luck that R stays in my life for a little long. I don't want to lose him just with a sex. I want to talk to him...chalo will talk to about those things some other day.

Have I grown old?

2008-11-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

have i grown old?

how will you people know? you haven't ever seen me.

but I got this feeling when I was at that public toilet (remember, i mentioned it in the last posts. i surely have got an addiction. or is it because i have been off sex for so long).

So i was at this public toilet waiting for someone really attractive to look at me, and suddenly comes a boy (looks like he is from college, not more than 19). all eyes on him. people leave me waiting and run after him. he picks the most attractive of the lot and goes out to chart the dating plans.

So I always thought I can always lay people - whatever their age - and now these just out of college guys are giving me competition.

Key findings on gays in delhi

2008-11-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

Dr. adi, in his survey among 1000 gay men in delhi, has discovered some key findings.

that's all a joke. don't take it seriously. i mean don't take the survey thing seriously. these are key findings for sure, but are based on my visits to a public toilet in delhi.

for me these facts were really new (can't say about you). and i believe that this applies more or less to gays around the world.

so here is what i found:

that a gay is not generally in the age bracket of 15 to 35 (max.). here i saw many elderly people too who had come here to fulfill their hunger for sex.
gay is not necessarily a phenomena with the elite and upper and middle class people. i came across many boys and men who stayed in slums closeby.
many men start with the excuse that they are not getting enough satisfaction with their wives.
they do look at features when choosing a partner for sex. quite a shock to me when some of the people ignored my advances. i mean i have seldom been declined.
there are some men who are straight but compromise with gay sex just to release their sexual desires.
gays do not have to look feminine. many of the masculine looking men have homosexual orientation.
in gays, there hardly is a thing called loyalty if it is determined by yours not sleeping with other men. you can be loyal to your man and still sleep once in a while with others, without angering your partner.

tell me how you liked it. impressed or not. tell me your views by commenting on this post.

i know some of you would be thinking that you knew this all along. but for me these are very new. most of my earlier experiences have been with straight guys. and lemme tell you, i love to turn straight guys into desperate gay lovers. the next time i will surely tell you about one.

A public toilet serving as a gay hangout

2008-11-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

hey i am a newbie to blogspot so i am not very aware of its functionalities. my earlier blogs were on wordpress so i decided to try this one. in days to come will try with more new free templates. so for the time being you will have to make do with this template only.

okay let me tell you about my latest fad.

you don't have to think much on this because it is sex that is there on my mind for most of the times. and this fad too is related with sex.

one of the gay friends that i met on bus (i don't know why i make friends with bottoms only. are there no tops available) introduced me to this public toilet in delhi. and what is so spercial about this public toilet.

yes it stinks (like every other) but is a regular hangout of gay men. wow you will say. I too had a similar expression. but my first experience at this place was not that good.

why?

it was dark inside. and J and i went in. a veteran J instantly picked a masculine looking guy and manouevered my hands to the dick of a moustached guy. and instantly i bore a dislike for the place.

this was not i had called for. elderly people. smelly people. people from the slums. I started feeling guilty. how low have you gone adi? my mind rebuked me.

that night i wasn't able to sleep.

on the next day, i was there once again. this time alone. and not in any hurry. ready to pick up men of my choice.

and ever since this public toilet has become like an addiction to me. everytime i am coming that way and it is after evening, i visit this toilet. and since then my experiences are turning out to be good. will keep you posted on some of these. but first some interesting findings on gay men that i came across because of my experience in this public toilet (in the next post)

About me

2008-11-21T21:08:00.001-08:00

ah a blog again. after more than one year of deleting my old blog.

so why did i delete my old blog and why do i blog (won't you like to know who i am before you start reading me). lemme answer these in my first post.

yes, this is not the first time that i am blogging. my last blog had more than forty posts and then deep (a friend i met on orkut) happened to me.

he was a gay like me (yes, i am a gay) but he knew that the indian society abhors gays and will not help us live unless we change us. but change as you will know is not easy my dear. sexuality is a greatest of all addictions and so you can subdue it and not come off it altogether.

so together we decided to subdue our gay personality. both of us haven't come out in the open about our sexual orientation.

and deleting the old blog was first in the process of subduing my gay identity. and yes there was orkut too (however, that was not very important since i didn't use it much).

what was important to me was my blog. instigated by deep and an inner desire in me to secure my future (i agree with deep that i cannot make a future by being an open gay. i am not that strong), i pressed the delete button and the blog was gone. i cried that night as if a close one had left me all alone.

the blog was close to me. why not? the blog was a voice for the hidden gay in me. I talked to people about how it is like being a gay. you are subjected to remarks that you are feminine. you have to unwillingly participate with them in jokes on gays. you have to forever live in fear for your future. your mouth is shut.

then i also talked about my experiences as a gay - with men of all kinds.

and the best part was that i was talking to the public at large - with no inhibitions. thanks to the anonymity that my blog provided to me.

but all was lost that night when i deleted the blog.

so why didn't i start a new blog again?

it was because i couldn't muster enough strength to once again create a thing that i lost. but i am doing now. i have started a new blog and yes this is after much deliberation going on in my mind. hope you would enjoy reading a closeted gays mind. i promise to once again voice my mind here. and sorry this time to delete button again.