The First Flirt

I am growing up in the Pink world. I had never been able to flirt with a boy/man. Yesterday I did...with a cab driver.

Before this I would always find my prey on my bed...not that they were waiting for me there. They just happened to share bed with me and I took advantage of the situation.

A few times when I decided to talk my mind to a guy, I just wouldn't find the right words.

Surprisingly I did this time. However, I didn't succeed at my efforts in the end. Still I like to think of the entire episode.

I was late from office and boss suggested that I take a cab. He was a jat but I didn't notice until he went down to pee at Dhaula Kuan. The force of his pee on the ground took my attention. Then and there, I made up my mind to take him to bed.

He took his seat by the steering and I began my task.

"It's getting cold now"

Yes, he told.

"Ghar me biwi ho to thandi se acchi mausam nahi hai"

"Why aren't you married yet", he asked.

"Arre kahan...aapki ho gayi shadi".

My past experiences have shown that it's really easy to prey on men who are eagerly waiting to be married or living apart from family for long. So this question was important. And his answer was really disappointing.

"Yes, I am married...but my family is back in the village."

Oh some ray of hope.

"Toh thand katna toh bahut difficult hota hoga"

He smiled.

And then I threw some arrows on target.

"Kuch aisa waisa shauk to rakhte hoge time katne ke liye".

I couldn't believe myself. Is it me?

Main samjha nahi! Kaise shauk?

Arre, women or may be boys. Haven't you tried with boys at the place you stay?

He got embarrassed.

No, he blurted.

Hey, I have heard that Jats are too hot. Is that correct?

He didn't answer.

Haven't you ever tried with boys?

He didn't answer again.

With your kind of physique any boy will be ready to do with you...me too.

I had finally talked my mind. And I saw him checking me on the mirror intently...for a second... and then he just started driving.

What was that reaction? I just couldn't decipher. Would he or wouldn't he answer to my desires.

I was getting anxious by now. My destination was coming near and I wanted him to answer fast...very fast. Because now my voice was shivering and I was shivering too.

He didn't talk. I too didn't talk to him, just that he switch off the AC because I was really feeling hot after that hot spurt of testosterone.

He dropped me at my house and I paid him. At night I jerked myself thinking of him. sometimes failures too are too enticing to think of.

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Pushed to be different
A bill-board near North Delhi announced "Show Heart...Donate Blood".

But a man pressurized by a natural desire to pee, decided to do something different.

He unzipped himself. Brought his organ out and donated his urine.

Different na...
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Why I like doing it with straights
My last few encounters have been with gays who I found on gay dating websites. But lemme confess. All these sex-counters have left me more dissatisfied than satisfied. And it has forced me to think if I really want to do with these experienced and easy-to-lead-to-bed guys.

After each such encounter, I ask myself if I want to meet someone again, and I don't hear my heart thumping eagerly. Each time the heart has different reasons, but the fact is that I don't want to meet the guy again.

So what is it? Do I like to do with straights? Yes, I like doing it with straight guys; and I have reasons.

The whole process of getting attracted to flirting to finally sleeping with a straight guy is filled with excitement. For several days (sometimes weeks), you wait for just the right opportunity to hit the topic. There's a war between your mind and heart. Should you? Shouldn't you? And when you finally get to bed him, it's like a great accomplishment. The entire affair gets etched in your memory. More than the guy, it is fantasising about the guy that brings you to climax.

With a gay, the process is not so arousing. It begins with spotting a good profile or pic on a gay dating website. Otherwise, it's a referral by someone you know. You just need to share your pics and if possible chat online or on phone. And that sets the process. You meet one fine day and do everything to satisfy the body lust. As you come home tired, you are not very sure if you want to meet the guy again. You don't take his phone and soon the guy becomes a forgetful past. It often works with me this way. May differ in case of some of my readers.

Then there's the issue of experience. Now here's where many of my readers will differ with me. While they will emphasise on sleeping with experienced guys (because they do better sex), I choose the novice. May be that's because I too am a novice - at least in the choice of techniques. Moreover, there's a raw appeal to the straight guy. He too is just discovering this aspect of sex. So we can plan the sex-counter in the way we want.

Gays, who are well experienced in gay sex, will amaze you with the techniques they use. One man insisted on licking my ass. Since it was new for me, I let him. But soon he wanted me to do the same for him. No, I said. I am not into such kinky things. Also I would abstain from things that are unhygeinic. Another man wanted me to rub his fluid onto my body. Eeeeksssss.

Readers will ask if it was not me who went to that unhygeinic public toilet. But that was because of desperation. Would never do that if given a choice. Now it has been over half an year that I have not gone to that place.

There are many more reasons to choose straight over gays. But the problem is that straights are too hard to find. Not that all men have become gays. It is just that it is too difficult to convince them to sleep with you. Ever since I have started living with family, there has been no opportunity for me to find a straight. But it is they who have taken away my heart. Until then gays are just timepass.
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Oh can someone shut-up this women
My Bhabhi gave birth to a son this February. To take care of the baby, Bhabhi's mother has come along with her. 

An old women that she is, she loves talking. And although I wouldn't want to be a part of her womanly and boring talks, I am always drawn into it. Since I am working from home these days, she feels that I am unemployed and keeps talking to me non-stop. Although I keep my eyes stuck to the computer and say hmm after long intervals, she won't take the signal that I am not interested in her talks. 

And her talks mechanically veer towards my marriage. What's worse, the talks are the same everyday. 

"I will be so very happy if you marry from devghar (the place where she lives)."

"I pray to God that your wife is as good as your other two sister-in-laws (both are from the same family)."

"Now your mother will know what it is to get a bride from an unknown family."

"I hoped that your nephew and neice are old enough to enjoy in your marriage."

God, does she have any other topic to discuss. I secretly fear that she wants me to marry her third and last daughter although she hadn't have the courage yet to raise the topic. My mother is already too vexed about marying my two elder brothers in the same house. 

Also this girl who is the sister of my Bhabhis, I would have never married her even if I was straight. God she is so shrewd; and the last time she came, we stopped talking because she would forever teach bad things to my Bhabhi. 

Still marriage is a thorny question. I have escaped it until now but how long shall I escape it. Some days the institution will get onto me and tie me with a girl who I may not love for her body, although I would want to love her for her heart. What's more, I like the normal relationship between men and women. How good would it have been if I was able to live one such relationship

Let's see, kya hota hai. My personal experience with life says that the more I leave an issue to the future, the more favourable result I get. There's no point losing my head over the issue. God always takes me out of my problems. 

So the best I can do now is leave the issue to future. If I am destined to marry a girl, so be it. Before that I won't be able to muster enough courage to come open before my parents and the public. 
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Love at the Sahyadris
I had seen Neeraj a few times in the locality. With a well toned body and a fair complexion, he would arouse me each time he passed by me. Then I learnt that he was the room-partner of one of my classmates S. 

One day when I was in S's room, I heard how Neeraj used to sleep naked and his large blackish organ would peep out of the blanket in the morning. Although it was a fairly normal talk for a normal gathering of boys, it stirred the gay in me. 

But I never got a chance to size him until one day. 

S liked to go check different places. He talked me into accompanying him to Harishchandragadh, a four hour journey from Pune. On the D-day, I was expecting a huge group, but it turned out to be just S, Neeraj and me. 

The Maharashtra State bus was to take-off at 1.30 in the night. While S took his place near the conductor, Neeraj and I sat on one of the front seats. The bus was otherwise empty. As soon as the bus left the bus stand, the driver turned off all lights. The only lights now were from the vehicles coming from the other side.  

S and Neeraj began to doze of as soon as they hit the seats. I cannot sleep while on a moving bus. Tired of looking at the dark outside, it suddenly hit me if I can touch Neeraj. 

Once that realisation dawned on me, I could think of no other. 

Slowly I closed my eyes and moved closer towards Neeraj. This works like an alibi since you can always tell that you were sleeping and not responsible for your subconscious actions. 

First I moved my hand over his thighs. When there was no reaction, I got encouraged to move it closer to his organs. Just then there was a brilliant light from the other side and I pulled off. When it was dark again, I once again put my hands, this time straight on his groin. There was no reaction again. Good for me, since I can further size him up in the meanwhile. But Neeraj didn't react that entire night. Could he be sleeping all through the ordeal? May be. May be not. 

The next day was a hectic trek. Harishchandragadh was a 25km trek up on several steep hills overlooking deep gullies. We spent the night at caves built at the foothills of Sahyadri. A local resident helped us with hot blankets and carpet. But this was too less for the three of us. S would always snatch a major part of the blanket leaving the two of us cold. Since I was sleeping in between S and Neeraj, I was at a relative advantage. The day's trek had a toll on us and we felt asleep very soon. 

At night I was woken from sleep when I felt someone hugging me tightly. He was in his undies and had a hard on his organs. Although I prayed to God that it is Neeraj, I didn't know if it really was him. It was dark inside the cave and I had lost my sense of direction being abruptly woken from sleep. As I moved my hand on his body, I was pretty sure that it was he. 

So Neeraj had been all awake through the bus journey. 

I gave myself to him. The darkness of the cave was the perfect setting to make love. 

Later when we returned from our trip, he came one night when my roommate was out to Mumbai. We spent the whole night trying new things and I was craving for more.
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Sweet are the fruits of patience
Raj Kumar was a friend of my brother and it was love at first sight. Unlike the other friends of my brother, who were shabbily dressed and looked like bookworms, he gave me a turn-on from day one. He always sported a day's stubble and liked to dress in trendy T-shirts and denims. Tall, dark and handsome fitted him so well as a description. 

Months elapsed before I actually got a chance to sleep with him. 

It was a sunday evening and I was all alone at home. He came looking around for my brother just then. 

Somewhere deep in my heart I had this feeling that this was my last chance to have him. I knew he would go if told that my brother isn't at home. Instead I said that he has just gone round the corner. He agreed to wait and I knew my chance was still there. 

But making the move has always been a weakness for me. There he was sitting just half a metre away on the bed next to mine. But I wasn't getting the words and courage to approach him. I could feel the shivering in my hands and feet. Not that I feared that he might complain to my brother. When the urge for sex becomes stronger, one often doesn't think of consequences. 

Half an hour elapsed and I still wasn't able to say him the right words. 

Just then he signalled that he must go since it has been very long. I could see my world falling apart. Will I miss the golden opportunity to sleep with this hunk? No, I will die if I miss it now after coming so close to it. 

Words can be dangerous. They seldom come at the right time. So I decided to find recourse in action. 

As Raj Kumar rose to go, I approached him and said, "I want to see yours". Saying this I moved my hands over his zipper. 

Now the ball was in his court. And I waited for his reaction. 

He was shocked. 

"Why do you want to see mine? It's the same as yours."

That's a question difficult to answer. You can well say that you are a gay and you like doing it with men. 

But that answer can land you in trouble if the other party decides to not accept your proposal and worse publicise your pervertness. 

Instead it is much easier to look confused and keep beating about the bush. I did the same. 

"Okays but not today. I will come tomorrow", he said. 

My happiness knew no bounds. It was like I had acheived a feat. 

Only if I had seen him (his organs) once. Patience pays, I consoled myself. 

The next day was alone for me again. I was eagerly awaiting Raj Kumar. The previous night I fantasised him in my dreams. When he didn't come until lunch, I gave up on his visit. Maybe he is one of those guys who miss such a great pleasure thinking of ethics. 

That afternoon, I slept with a heavy heart. 

There was a knock on the door. I thought I was dreaming. When the knocks continued, I went to the door and there he was. 

I didn't know how to react. Finally my dream of months was going to be realised. I would be able to feel the touch and smell of Raj Kumar, the guy who I fantasised almost every day during those months. 

I asked him to come inside and locked the door. Today he sat beside me instead of the other bed. Both of us didn't know how to start the conversation. It was he who made the start. 

But what he said came as a shock. He began lecturing me on ethics and normality. "Hey, I know them and have not been waiting for you to hear these", I wanted to say to him. But I kept my cool. Deep in my heart I had this feeling that he was here because he wanted the same thing as me, not to lecture me. An hour slid by before we did anything. 

Finally frustrated with the rhetoric, I said, "Okays we can forget about what happened yesterday evening if you want. I will think I never met you". This did the trick. He quickly said that he didn't want to forget me as well. 

"Wow I have been waiting to hear this from you the entire afternoon", I joked and we hugged each other. 

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Loneliness eating into my existence
Sometimes, I can feel a void in my life. Although I release the frustration by releasing the seminal juice, I cannot understand what is it that I am really looking for.

If it’s a sex partner that I am searching for, I have had them in sufficient numbers. In my 27 years of existence, I have slept with more than two dozen men, making the average of one sex partner for every year. But each sexual encounter left me more dissatisfied. There was something that was missing in each of these short and long relationships.

Then my mind tells that my search would end at a friend. A friend, who may or may not be my kind, but who understands me. A friend with who I can share my feelings. A friend who will be with me thru thick and thin.

And then I rue about the loads of good friends that I let go because of one reason or other.

S was a childhood friend. He was who I could share everything with. Although a few years junior, we had grown together and he quit sports because I was not much of a sports guy (I would forever feel guilty for this). We enjoyed each others company. But there was a gap. As I reached my teens, it had dawned upon me that I am a gay. Although I had wanted to tell him many a times, I couldn’t ever find the courage. Then I moved to Delhi. His father retired and the entire family settled in their village. Now all we have as a friendship left are some phone calls and once in a year meetings.

Ann had been with me in class since Kindergarten. We would sit together at class. It was so much of a fun. We would laugh at the silliest of jokes. He had the most awful handwriting. I would joke that I can write better with my left hand. Joy joined our group and it was more fun. Ann’s father was transferred and he shifted school while in eighth standard. I was so lazy not to ever visit him at his new home just an hour away. I last met him at Delhi. He came to visit me at my office. I wasn’t able to meet him like the Adi of his childhood. Too much time had elapsed between our friendship.

I was never very good at making friends. I was too much of an introvert to make the first move. I was too much of a sissy to attract friendship proposals from others. Also I was finding easy preys in friends. As if people read my mind, they were not very welcoming.

So it has been a friendless existence that I have lived for all these years.

Quite a large number of gays that I have met have complained about this void in their lives. D, who is a bottom like me, wants to get married to get over this friendless existence, although he knows that he is incapable of maintaining a normal relationship with women. Sometimes, I too have similar feelings. It is so good to look at loving couples – they are more friends to each other than a partner in sex. I feel lonely at this age. What will be my state when I turn old, say 40, and decide to not marry? Will I become a party animal and visit clubs to do away with the loneliness (I hate them although I fancy attending them. They make me uncomfortable). But also I cannot ruin a girl’s life by marrying her. Also I will be ruining myself – I end at such disappointing notes always – because I am myself very uncertain.
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