I am growing up in the Pink world. I had never been able to flirt with a boy/man. Yesterday I did...with a cab driver.

Before this I would always find my prey on my bed...not that they were waiting for me there. They just happened to share bed with me and I took advantage of the situation.

A few times when I decided to talk my mind to a guy, I just wouldn't find the right words.

Surprisingly I did this time. However, I didn't succeed at my efforts in the end. Still I like to think of the entire episode.

I was late from office and boss suggested that I take a cab. He was a jat but I didn't notice until he went down to pee at Dhaula Kuan. The force of his pee on the ground took my attention. Then and there, I made up my mind to take him to bed.

He took his seat by the steering and I began my task.

"It's getting cold now"

Yes, he told.

"Ghar me biwi ho to thandi se acchi mausam nahi hai"

"Why aren't you married yet", he asked.

"Arre kahan...aapki ho gayi shadi".

My past experiences have shown that it's really easy to prey on men who are eagerly waiting to be married or living apart from family for long. So this question was important. And his answer was really disappointing.

"Yes, I am married...but my family is back in the village."

Oh some ray of hope.

"Toh thand katna toh bahut difficult hota hoga"

He smiled.

And then I threw some arrows on target.

"Kuch aisa waisa shauk to rakhte hoge time katne ke liye".

I couldn't believe myself. Is it me?

Main samjha nahi! Kaise shauk?

Arre, women or may be boys. Haven't you tried with boys at the place you stay?

He got embarrassed.

No, he blurted.

Hey, I have heard that Jats are too hot. Is that correct?

He didn't answer.

Haven't you ever tried with boys?

He didn't answer again.

With your kind of physique any boy will be ready to do with you...me too.

I had finally talked my mind. And I saw him checking me on the mirror intently...for a second... and then he just started driving.

What was that reaction? I just couldn't decipher. Would he or wouldn't he answer to my desires.

I was getting anxious by now. My destination was coming near and I wanted him to answer fast...very fast. Because now my voice was shivering and I was shivering too.

He didn't talk. I too didn't talk to him, just that he switch off the AC because I was really feeling hot after that hot spurt of testosterone.

He dropped me at my house and I paid him. At night I jerked myself thinking of him. sometimes failures too are too enticing to think of.

ah a blog again. after more than one year of deleting my old blog.

so why did i delete my old blog and why do i blog (won't you like to know who i am before you start reading me). lemme answer these in my first post.

yes, this is not the first time that i am blogging. my last blog had more than forty posts and then deep (a friend i met on orkut) happened to me.

he was a gay like me (yes, i am a gay) but he knew that the indian society abhors gays and will not help us live unless we change us. but change as you will know is not easy my dear. sexuality is a greatest of all addictions and so you can subdue it and not come off it altogether.

so together we decided to subdue our gay personality. both of us haven't come out in the open about our sexual orientation.

and deleting the old blog was first in the process of subduing my gay identity. and yes there was orkut too (however, that was not very important since i didn't use it much).

what was important to me was my blog. instigated by deep and an inner desire in me to secure my future (i agree with deep that i cannot make a future by being an open gay. i am not that strong), i pressed the delete button and the blog was gone. i cried that night as if a close one had left me all alone.

the blog was close to me. why not? the blog was a voice for the hidden gay in me. I talked to people about how it is like being a gay. you are subjected to remarks that you are feminine. you have to unwillingly participate with them in jokes on gays. you have to forever live in fear for your future. your mouth is shut.

then i also talked about my experiences as a gay - with men of all kinds.

and the best part was that i was talking to the public at large - with no inhibitions. thanks to the anonymity that my blog provided to me.

but all was lost that night when i deleted the blog.

so why didn't i start a new blog again?

it was because i couldn't muster enough strength to once again create a thing that i lost. but i am doing now. i have started a new blog and yes this is after much deliberation going on in my mind. hope you would enjoy reading a closeted gays mind. i promise to once again voice my mind here. and sorry this time to delete button again.