Showing posts with label homosexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homosexual. Show all posts
I had seen Neeraj a few times in the locality. With a well toned body and a fair complexion, he would arouse me each time he passed by me. Then I learnt that he was the room-partner of one of my classmates S. 

One day when I was in S's room, I heard how Neeraj used to sleep naked and his large blackish organ would peep out of the blanket in the morning. Although it was a fairly normal talk for a normal gathering of boys, it stirred the gay in me. 

But I never got a chance to size him until one day. 

S liked to go check different places. He talked me into accompanying him to Harishchandragadh, a four hour journey from Pune. On the D-day, I was expecting a huge group, but it turned out to be just S, Neeraj and me. 

The Maharashtra State bus was to take-off at 1.30 in the night. While S took his place near the conductor, Neeraj and I sat on one of the front seats. The bus was otherwise empty. As soon as the bus left the bus stand, the driver turned off all lights. The only lights now were from the vehicles coming from the other side.  

S and Neeraj began to doze of as soon as they hit the seats. I cannot sleep while on a moving bus. Tired of looking at the dark outside, it suddenly hit me if I can touch Neeraj. 

Once that realisation dawned on me, I could think of no other. 

Slowly I closed my eyes and moved closer towards Neeraj. This works like an alibi since you can always tell that you were sleeping and not responsible for your subconscious actions. 

First I moved my hand over his thighs. When there was no reaction, I got encouraged to move it closer to his organs. Just then there was a brilliant light from the other side and I pulled off. When it was dark again, I once again put my hands, this time straight on his groin. There was no reaction again. Good for me, since I can further size him up in the meanwhile. But Neeraj didn't react that entire night. Could he be sleeping all through the ordeal? May be. May be not. 

The next day was a hectic trek. Harishchandragadh was a 25km trek up on several steep hills overlooking deep gullies. We spent the night at caves built at the foothills of Sahyadri. A local resident helped us with hot blankets and carpet. But this was too less for the three of us. S would always snatch a major part of the blanket leaving the two of us cold. Since I was sleeping in between S and Neeraj, I was at a relative advantage. The day's trek had a toll on us and we felt asleep very soon. 

At night I was woken from sleep when I felt someone hugging me tightly. He was in his undies and had a hard on his organs. Although I prayed to God that it is Neeraj, I didn't know if it really was him. It was dark inside the cave and I had lost my sense of direction being abruptly woken from sleep. As I moved my hand on his body, I was pretty sure that it was he. 

So Neeraj had been all awake through the bus journey. 

I gave myself to him. The darkness of the cave was the perfect setting to make love. 

Later when we returned from our trip, he came one night when my roommate was out to Mumbai. We spent the whole night trying new things and I was craving for more.

have i grown old?

how will you people know? you haven't ever seen me.

but I got this feeling when I was at that public toilet (remember, i mentioned it in the last posts. i surely have got an addiction. or is it because i have been off sex for so long).

So i was at this public toilet waiting for someone really attractive to look at me, and suddenly comes a boy (looks like he is from college, not more than 19). all eyes on him. people leave me waiting and run after him. he picks the most attractive of the lot and goes out to chart the dating plans.

So I always thought I can always lay people - whatever their age - and now these just out of college guys are giving me competition.

ah a blog again. after more than one year of deleting my old blog.


so why did i delete my old blog and why do i blog (won't you like to know who i am before you start reading me). lemme answer these in my first post.


yes, this is not the first time that i am blogging. my last blog had more than forty posts and then deep (a friend i met on orkut) happened to me.


he was a gay like me (yes, i am a gay) but he knew that the indian society abhors gays and will not help us live unless we change us. but change as you will know is not easy my dear. sexuality is a greatest of all addictions and so you can subdue it and not come off it altogether.


so together we decided to subdue our gay personality. both of us haven't come out in the open about our sexual orientation.


and deleting the old blog was first in the process of subduing my gay identity. and yes there was orkut too (however, that was not very important since i didn't use it much).


what was important to me was my blog. instigated by deep and an inner desire in me to secure my future (i agree with deep that i cannot make a future by being an open gay. i am not that strong), i pressed the delete button and the blog was gone. i cried that night as if a close one had left me all alone.


the blog was close to me. why not? the blog was a voice for the hidden gay in me. I talked to people about how it is like being a gay. you are subjected to remarks that you are feminine. you have to unwillingly participate with them in jokes on gays. you have to forever live in fear for your future. your mouth is shut.


then i also talked about my experiences as a gay - with men of all kinds.


and the best part was that i was talking to the public at large - with no inhibitions. thanks to the anonymity that my blog provided to me.


but all was lost that night when i deleted the blog.


so why didn't i start a new blog again?


it was because i couldn't muster enough strength to once again create a thing that i lost. but i am doing now. i have started a new blog and yes this is after much deliberation going on in my mind. hope you would enjoy reading a closeted gays mind. i promise to once again voice my mind here. and sorry this time to delete button again.