Showing posts with label LGBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LGBT. Show all posts
Oh can someone shut-up this women
My Bhabhi gave birth to a son this February. To take care of the baby, Bhabhi's mother has come along with her. 

An old women that she is, she loves talking. And although I wouldn't want to be a part of her womanly and boring talks, I am always drawn into it. Since I am working from home these days, she feels that I am unemployed and keeps talking to me non-stop. Although I keep my eyes stuck to the computer and say hmm after long intervals, she won't take the signal that I am not interested in her talks. 

And her talks mechanically veer towards my marriage. What's worse, the talks are the same everyday. 

"I will be so very happy if you marry from devghar (the place where she lives)."

"I pray to God that your wife is as good as your other two sister-in-laws (both are from the same family)."

"Now your mother will know what it is to get a bride from an unknown family."

"I hoped that your nephew and neice are old enough to enjoy in your marriage."

God, does she have any other topic to discuss. I secretly fear that she wants me to marry her third and last daughter although she hadn't have the courage yet to raise the topic. My mother is already too vexed about marying my two elder brothers in the same house. 

Also this girl who is the sister of my Bhabhis, I would have never married her even if I was straight. God she is so shrewd; and the last time she came, we stopped talking because she would forever teach bad things to my Bhabhi. 

Still marriage is a thorny question. I have escaped it until now but how long shall I escape it. Some days the institution will get onto me and tie me with a girl who I may not love for her body, although I would want to love her for her heart. What's more, I like the normal relationship between men and women. How good would it have been if I was able to live one such relationship

Let's see, kya hota hai. My personal experience with life says that the more I leave an issue to the future, the more favourable result I get. There's no point losing my head over the issue. God always takes me out of my problems. 

So the best I can do now is leave the issue to future. If I am destined to marry a girl, so be it. Before that I won't be able to muster enough courage to come open before my parents and the public. 
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Love at the Sahyadris
I had seen Neeraj a few times in the locality. With a well toned body and a fair complexion, he would arouse me each time he passed by me. Then I learnt that he was the room-partner of one of my classmates S. 

One day when I was in S's room, I heard how Neeraj used to sleep naked and his large blackish organ would peep out of the blanket in the morning. Although it was a fairly normal talk for a normal gathering of boys, it stirred the gay in me. 

But I never got a chance to size him until one day. 

S liked to go check different places. He talked me into accompanying him to Harishchandragadh, a four hour journey from Pune. On the D-day, I was expecting a huge group, but it turned out to be just S, Neeraj and me. 

The Maharashtra State bus was to take-off at 1.30 in the night. While S took his place near the conductor, Neeraj and I sat on one of the front seats. The bus was otherwise empty. As soon as the bus left the bus stand, the driver turned off all lights. The only lights now were from the vehicles coming from the other side.  

S and Neeraj began to doze of as soon as they hit the seats. I cannot sleep while on a moving bus. Tired of looking at the dark outside, it suddenly hit me if I can touch Neeraj. 

Once that realisation dawned on me, I could think of no other. 

Slowly I closed my eyes and moved closer towards Neeraj. This works like an alibi since you can always tell that you were sleeping and not responsible for your subconscious actions. 

First I moved my hand over his thighs. When there was no reaction, I got encouraged to move it closer to his organs. Just then there was a brilliant light from the other side and I pulled off. When it was dark again, I once again put my hands, this time straight on his groin. There was no reaction again. Good for me, since I can further size him up in the meanwhile. But Neeraj didn't react that entire night. Could he be sleeping all through the ordeal? May be. May be not. 

The next day was a hectic trek. Harishchandragadh was a 25km trek up on several steep hills overlooking deep gullies. We spent the night at caves built at the foothills of Sahyadri. A local resident helped us with hot blankets and carpet. But this was too less for the three of us. S would always snatch a major part of the blanket leaving the two of us cold. Since I was sleeping in between S and Neeraj, I was at a relative advantage. The day's trek had a toll on us and we felt asleep very soon. 

At night I was woken from sleep when I felt someone hugging me tightly. He was in his undies and had a hard on his organs. Although I prayed to God that it is Neeraj, I didn't know if it really was him. It was dark inside the cave and I had lost my sense of direction being abruptly woken from sleep. As I moved my hand on his body, I was pretty sure that it was he. 

So Neeraj had been all awake through the bus journey. 

I gave myself to him. The darkness of the cave was the perfect setting to make love. 

Later when we returned from our trip, he came one night when my roommate was out to Mumbai. We spent the whole night trying new things and I was craving for more.
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Sweet are the fruits of patience
Raj Kumar was a friend of my brother and it was love at first sight. Unlike the other friends of my brother, who were shabbily dressed and looked like bookworms, he gave me a turn-on from day one. He always sported a day's stubble and liked to dress in trendy T-shirts and denims. Tall, dark and handsome fitted him so well as a description. 

Months elapsed before I actually got a chance to sleep with him. 

It was a sunday evening and I was all alone at home. He came looking around for my brother just then. 

Somewhere deep in my heart I had this feeling that this was my last chance to have him. I knew he would go if told that my brother isn't at home. Instead I said that he has just gone round the corner. He agreed to wait and I knew my chance was still there. 

But making the move has always been a weakness for me. There he was sitting just half a metre away on the bed next to mine. But I wasn't getting the words and courage to approach him. I could feel the shivering in my hands and feet. Not that I feared that he might complain to my brother. When the urge for sex becomes stronger, one often doesn't think of consequences. 

Half an hour elapsed and I still wasn't able to say him the right words. 

Just then he signalled that he must go since it has been very long. I could see my world falling apart. Will I miss the golden opportunity to sleep with this hunk? No, I will die if I miss it now after coming so close to it. 

Words can be dangerous. They seldom come at the right time. So I decided to find recourse in action. 

As Raj Kumar rose to go, I approached him and said, "I want to see yours". Saying this I moved my hands over his zipper. 

Now the ball was in his court. And I waited for his reaction. 

He was shocked. 

"Why do you want to see mine? It's the same as yours."

That's a question difficult to answer. You can well say that you are a gay and you like doing it with men. 

But that answer can land you in trouble if the other party decides to not accept your proposal and worse publicise your pervertness. 

Instead it is much easier to look confused and keep beating about the bush. I did the same. 

"Okays but not today. I will come tomorrow", he said. 

My happiness knew no bounds. It was like I had acheived a feat. 

Only if I had seen him (his organs) once. Patience pays, I consoled myself. 

The next day was alone for me again. I was eagerly awaiting Raj Kumar. The previous night I fantasised him in my dreams. When he didn't come until lunch, I gave up on his visit. Maybe he is one of those guys who miss such a great pleasure thinking of ethics. 

That afternoon, I slept with a heavy heart. 

There was a knock on the door. I thought I was dreaming. When the knocks continued, I went to the door and there he was. 

I didn't know how to react. Finally my dream of months was going to be realised. I would be able to feel the touch and smell of Raj Kumar, the guy who I fantasised almost every day during those months. 

I asked him to come inside and locked the door. Today he sat beside me instead of the other bed. Both of us didn't know how to start the conversation. It was he who made the start. 

But what he said came as a shock. He began lecturing me on ethics and normality. "Hey, I know them and have not been waiting for you to hear these", I wanted to say to him. But I kept my cool. Deep in my heart I had this feeling that he was here because he wanted the same thing as me, not to lecture me. An hour slid by before we did anything. 

Finally frustrated with the rhetoric, I said, "Okays we can forget about what happened yesterday evening if you want. I will think I never met you". This did the trick. He quickly said that he didn't want to forget me as well. 

"Wow I have been waiting to hear this from you the entire afternoon", I joked and we hugged each other. 

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Loneliness eating into my existence
Sometimes, I can feel a void in my life. Although I release the frustration by releasing the seminal juice, I cannot understand what is it that I am really looking for.

If it’s a sex partner that I am searching for, I have had them in sufficient numbers. In my 27 years of existence, I have slept with more than two dozen men, making the average of one sex partner for every year. But each sexual encounter left me more dissatisfied. There was something that was missing in each of these short and long relationships.

Then my mind tells that my search would end at a friend. A friend, who may or may not be my kind, but who understands me. A friend with who I can share my feelings. A friend who will be with me thru thick and thin.

And then I rue about the loads of good friends that I let go because of one reason or other.

S was a childhood friend. He was who I could share everything with. Although a few years junior, we had grown together and he quit sports because I was not much of a sports guy (I would forever feel guilty for this). We enjoyed each others company. But there was a gap. As I reached my teens, it had dawned upon me that I am a gay. Although I had wanted to tell him many a times, I couldn’t ever find the courage. Then I moved to Delhi. His father retired and the entire family settled in their village. Now all we have as a friendship left are some phone calls and once in a year meetings.

Ann had been with me in class since Kindergarten. We would sit together at class. It was so much of a fun. We would laugh at the silliest of jokes. He had the most awful handwriting. I would joke that I can write better with my left hand. Joy joined our group and it was more fun. Ann’s father was transferred and he shifted school while in eighth standard. I was so lazy not to ever visit him at his new home just an hour away. I last met him at Delhi. He came to visit me at my office. I wasn’t able to meet him like the Adi of his childhood. Too much time had elapsed between our friendship.

I was never very good at making friends. I was too much of an introvert to make the first move. I was too much of a sissy to attract friendship proposals from others. Also I was finding easy preys in friends. As if people read my mind, they were not very welcoming.

So it has been a friendless existence that I have lived for all these years.

Quite a large number of gays that I have met have complained about this void in their lives. D, who is a bottom like me, wants to get married to get over this friendless existence, although he knows that he is incapable of maintaining a normal relationship with women. Sometimes, I too have similar feelings. It is so good to look at loving couples – they are more friends to each other than a partner in sex. I feel lonely at this age. What will be my state when I turn old, say 40, and decide to not marry? Will I become a party animal and visit clubs to do away with the loneliness (I hate them although I fancy attending them. They make me uncomfortable). But also I cannot ruin a girl’s life by marrying her. Also I will be ruining myself – I end at such disappointing notes always – because I am myself very uncertain.
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Nigah Queer Cafe
Read about Nigah Queer Café at Guys4men.com and after an hour long duel with my mind, joined the gay meet at Connought Place in the evening today (I had to lure it with the thought of encountering lovely guys).

Although the programme was to start at 6.30 in the evening, reached there half an hour early, only to find the hall empty with chairs lined up and a projector screen at the other end of the hall.

Akhil was the first one to turn up. I soon picked up conversation with Akhil, who turned up to be a North Campusian. There was Davey too, a black guy with a great sense of humour. Donation and the backstage restroom figured many times in his talks. You will have to spare me for the donation this time. See I haven’t received my salary for the month of January.

Held on the eve of Valentines Day, how could have love missed the discussion. But we all chose to not define love. In fact, it is too broad a concept to define in so short a session.

People started coming in. There was Neelima with a friend; Neelima, with that mellifluous voice (I hate the use of adjectives, but her voice will look bland otherwise). And when she sang “aaiye meharban”, I was like transported to another world. She closed with an emosional atyachar from the movie Dev-D.

A few more people followed. Deepak entered the room and it was love at first sight. In specs, he really looked cool. The poem he read out of Margaret Atwood was enough to create at least a week long impression on my mind. Also there was Parth (or what was his name… the one with the French and Punjabi connection and with a deep voice). Deepak and Parth, you can drop your contact details in the comments if you please. Sorry, I have this habit of meandering away from the topic. Excuse me for the digressions.

Akhil did a wonderful job of story telling. He read from a Hindi novel on LGBT issues by Gitanjali Shree. Davey did a superb reading of his poem ‘her-ass-meant’, wordplay on the word ‘harassment’. Anuradha, another performer, read out beautiful poems to the audience.

Yes, there were also people from the Pink Chaddi campaign, the ones running a campaign against the Sri Ram Sene and Pramod Muthalik and the Mangalore incident. And immediately after the introduction on the campaign was the Pink Chaddi poem called chatak gulabi chaddi. Man, the guy would go mad hearing this poem with all the abuses.

More performances and finally it was time to use the projector screen. A documentary on AIDS followed. It was after the break and I missed a major part of the film. If anyone wants to fill in with more information on the film, he/she is welcome to do so as comments.

Also met H. During the break, he shared with me a Philipino organisation that says homosexuality can be altered. What say? I am meeting H some day again.

Quite satisfying the meet was. It was my first time and I loved the informal nature of the meet. Although my mind is a little disappointed with me for not meeting enough guys. I am consoling it about the next time Nigah comes up with a gay meet. Guys, I hope you will be sweet enough to let my mind choose some macho guys in the next meet.
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