The pressure for marriage is increasing.

now how do i explain to my parents that i am a gay and I cannot marry a girl.

not that i wouldn't have wanted to start a normal life. Even i like when a beautiful couple recounts their marriage years. but i know my limitation.

i am a passive gay. had i been an active one, i would at least have staged a fake marriage while actively pursuing an active gay life. but she would know me on day one of marriage. I wouldn't get excited on seein a girl.

And who am i to spoil a girl's life. that is not ethically correct. also i cannot expect her to love me without being satuisfied sexually- now that is such an important part of a marriage - that will only mean that i give her a go ahead to fulfill her sexual desires outside - which i cannot bear . I know i am being partial but ...

Also i don't have the guts to come open before my parents. also not the society.

so i am acting the postponiong game for now. thanks to the recession, i have convinced my parents that my job too is in danger. and so they have agree to wait until some years.

but these old parents of girls won't let me to live in peace. almost every week there is some or other person to meet father for my marriage.

god knows what is in store.

Did i tell u i was all alone for this entire week and i had decided to end my fast (I hope I have told you that i have not slept with men for an year now) in a grand way.

so including R, I have already slept with 2 men and i am already feeling the guilt pangs. Yes, if i go about my licentious behaviour for long, i start feeling the guilt pangs. so no sex for now.

so what do i do today. being a saturday, it was an off for me and i wanted to do something useful, not spend the entire day watching TV.

why don't i get tested for HIV?

Don't see me that way. i know i have slept with so many men but most of them were just sleeping and some body play. Only i few people have got the luxury to insert in me. And they too were quite novices, me being their first times.

But i have spent the whole day but no test.

why? that's a long story.

Got several numbers from Just Dial (22222222) but most of them were useless. some of them were outdated, others were not working in the field. Finally someone suggested that i go to some government hospital, which i didn't want. I wanted tio go to some specialised agency. the AIDS helpline number helped little - none was picking1197. 1097 too failed.

so the entire day was spent and none of my plans acheived. may be tomorrow i will go somewhere.

R too was an disappointment, at least his physical features were not all that to wow-wow about.

but he sure knew how to please me. In the half hours time that we spent together, my satisfaction levels reached to Neeraj times (ah that was an old lover with who I spent many a good times).

So R wasn't as good looking as his voice. He had hairs all over. Hey I am not being fussy, just that some amount of hair is okay, not all over your body.

It was a small meeting and went off without much to talk about. I am not very eager to meet im once again. Besides he has too much of an attitude. okays i m not going to devote such a big post to him.

people wish me luck. am meeting R today. remember R i talked about in one of my last posts.

he would be coming at my home today. did i tell you i am all alone for this entire week. yes, after a really long time. bhaiya bhabhi have gone to father's place. actually my bhabhi is going the family way (i mean she is going to give us a bhatija or bhatiji - whatever it be)

so i am utilising the time alone for bringing some excitement in life...you see e fasting period has been much too long - more than an year. had it not bee for the public toilet, i would have died of starvation.

yes, there's one more thing i would like to share. on monday i went to the same public toilet after bidding bhaiya bhabhi a farewell. and there i picked up a boy. oh it was such a disappointment. although he was a top, he was so feminish. i hate that kind of a behaviour. thankfully i brought him home late at night. and i was further aghast to look at his eyes which had kajal applied to them. yuck.

okz forget that. R is coming and i am already liking him - the way he talks, the way he addresses me as baby, the way we share our interests and all. by far it has just been a telephonic date. wish me luck that he comes to my expectations. also that he likes me. i am not that cheesy kind of gays around. in fact i don't want to be one. see i have to live a public life as well.

I have laid more than two dozen men and failed at laying another two dozen people in all my life.

Now don't look at me like a slut. With most of them it was a mutual masturbation kind of behaviour.

With one guy there wasn't even masturbation. But I always feel guilty for M.

Why? that's a long story, but not as big as this post. So listen what happened.

Finding sex partner on yahoo messenger has always intrigued me. But not recently as two years ago, I brought home my first laptop and it was then that I actually started talking to boys.

but as a novice that i was, I went into the general chat room available on yahoo messenger. back in those days I didn't know of gay specific chat rooms. But none of the boys was ready to waste time in chatting with a boy. I mean they were straight guys and were hunting for girls.

So it was a girl that I took an avatar as (I mean virtually). created my first Yahoo ID as a female and in came a flood of boys waiting to chat with a girl.

bahut sarey ladkon ko apney peeche bhagaya (boys were mad after my virtual identity). They loved the way I chatted. Some of them left their phone numbers. others showed me their private parts through webcam. some of them invited me to their homes. I declined everyone.

and then I met Mikku. very different from all. Talked well but not obscenely. We would talk all kinds of things. He told me he was studying at a reputed B-school in Delhi, and hailed from rajasthan. I told that I was from Orissa so that he doesn't insist on a meeting.

I had started developing a liking for him. He was soft spoken but had a great sense of humour (turns me on). We would talk for hours at a stretch. I would gforget all tensions once I talked to him. He came online after 3 in the noon and I would hastily complete all tasks so that i can spare it for M.

M too had developed a love feeling for me. He said that his parents are forcing him for marriage. I didn't say anything. He said he had talked about me to his elder sister. I rebuked him for it.

Inside, i always knew that mikku is in love with the virtual identity. it is not me that he loves.

but i didn't have the guts to open before him. he was sullen for a number of days when i had tried to open up one day. And now if he comes to know that the girl he is loving and planning to marry is a boy, he will be shattered.

I didn't want to ruin M. I loved him too.

So the best was to disappear completely from yahoo.

Many months later, when i again logged into yahoo messenger with the same ID, There were several offline messages left for me. there was also one from M. he was going to marry on the 10th of that month. he had written:

"gauri, I am marrying on the 10th of this month. I don't know what happened between us. I don't know if I didn't look suitable to you. but if you want, u can still return to me. I don't care who you are and how you are until you are the same gauri that i have loved"

Sorry M. Yes i am the same gauri and I do love you a lot, but i will not be able to return to you. hope that god gives you the strength to forget me

R is the new man in my life. Most probably meeting him tomorrow.

haven't met him yet, but his talks gives me a thrill.

J called after a long time and then he asked if I am free...free in the sense that their are no sex partners as of now.

Nah, I told. He knows everything about the no boyfriend thing and still fakes ignorance.

And then he told me about R, who he has slept with, and asked me if I would be ready to sleep with R.

certainly dear...I can no longer starve for sex and will do it with the ugliest of persons.

He is not ugly. in fact a punjabi that he is, you will actually enjoy; J ensured.

Wow, a punjabi. They have always been my favourites. also I like jats a lot. have you seen this vijendra guy, the one who won that bronze in olympics for india. I lust for his body but wo bahut oonchi cheez hai (not accessible).

Okays coming to R now.

I have just talked to him now. He is a 30 years old married but genuine guy.

he opened his heart to me and so did I. Since most of the days I have talked to him from inside the office premises, we couldn't talk about sex a lot. but yes whatever I talked was satisfying. He asked my stats and was a bit impressed. not that I have that bobby darling kind of looks. In fact I hate to have such things. Even though I am a bit feminine, I don't want to make an outward show of the same. I have to live like a normal guy in the public and so all gayish behaviours inside the sex room only.

okz ending now. wish me luck that R stays in my life for a little long. I don't want to lose him just with a sex. I want to talk to him...chalo will talk to about those things some other day.

have i grown old?

how will you people know? you haven't ever seen me.

but I got this feeling when I was at that public toilet (remember, i mentioned it in the last posts. i surely have got an addiction. or is it because i have been off sex for so long).

So i was at this public toilet waiting for someone really attractive to look at me, and suddenly comes a boy (looks like he is from college, not more than 19). all eyes on him. people leave me waiting and run after him. he picks the most attractive of the lot and goes out to chart the dating plans.

So I always thought I can always lay people - whatever their age - and now these just out of college guys are giving me competition.