Read about Nigah Queer Café at Guys4men.com and after an hour long duel with my mind, joined the gay meet at Connought Place in the evening today (I had to lure it with the thought of encountering lovely guys).

Although the programme was to start at 6.30 in the evening, reached there half an hour early, only to find the hall empty with chairs lined up and a projector screen at the other end of the hall.

Akhil was the first one to turn up. I soon picked up conversation with Akhil, who turned up to be a North Campusian. There was Davey too, a black guy with a great sense of humour. Donation and the backstage restroom figured many times in his talks. You will have to spare me for the donation this time. See I haven’t received my salary for the month of January.

Held on the eve of Valentines Day, how could have love missed the discussion. But we all chose to not define love. In fact, it is too broad a concept to define in so short a session.

People started coming in. There was Neelima with a friend; Neelima, with that mellifluous voice (I hate the use of adjectives, but her voice will look bland otherwise). And when she sang “aaiye meharban”, I was like transported to another world. She closed with an emosional atyachar from the movie Dev-D.

A few more people followed. Deepak entered the room and it was love at first sight. In specs, he really looked cool. The poem he read out of Margaret Atwood was enough to create at least a week long impression on my mind. Also there was Parth (or what was his name… the one with the French and Punjabi connection and with a deep voice). Deepak and Parth, you can drop your contact details in the comments if you please. Sorry, I have this habit of meandering away from the topic. Excuse me for the digressions.

Akhil did a wonderful job of story telling. He read from a Hindi novel on LGBT issues by Gitanjali Shree. Davey did a superb reading of his poem ‘her-ass-meant’, wordplay on the word ‘harassment’. Anuradha, another performer, read out beautiful poems to the audience.

Yes, there were also people from the Pink Chaddi campaign, the ones running a campaign against the Sri Ram Sene and Pramod Muthalik and the Mangalore incident. And immediately after the introduction on the campaign was the Pink Chaddi poem called chatak gulabi chaddi. Man, the guy would go mad hearing this poem with all the abuses.

More performances and finally it was time to use the projector screen. A documentary on AIDS followed. It was after the break and I missed a major part of the film. If anyone wants to fill in with more information on the film, he/she is welcome to do so as comments.

Also met H. During the break, he shared with me a Philipino organisation that says homosexuality can be altered. What say? I am meeting H some day again.

Quite satisfying the meet was. It was my first time and I loved the informal nature of the meet. Although my mind is a little disappointed with me for not meeting enough guys. I am consoling it about the next time Nigah comes up with a gay meet. Guys, I hope you will be sweet enough to let my mind choose some macho guys in the next meet.

Have you ever come through a situation where your wishes get fulfilled and you are not satisfied? The dissatisfaction is because there is another wish that’s on top of your mind at that particular point of time.

I am going through a similar situation these days.

At times, I was so angry at my schedule that I would crave for a break. Now I have ample time to myself, but I am not satisfied. Because right now finding a new job is on top of my mind.

The company that I have been working for around two years now is closing down. January month’s salary is still due. We have yet not taken the February month’s salary into account.

Not that this happened all of a sudden. The symptoms of the company headed towards closure could be felt as early as October, when our appraisals were postponed without any notice. The recession was in full swing and everyone thought that it’s better to continue getting salaries than being laid off like the lakhs of people working in top notch companies. Also our organisation was not asking for salary cuts like some companies in news. Also none of the business models, the company tried, had been profitable (will not go into these details).

But I knew that it is high time to change now. This was still October. I started looking for job opportunities. But the job market had taken a hit because of the economic slowdown, particularly the IT sector was too cautious at hiring. Besides the boss was so fussy about leaves that it was quite difficult to schedule interviews. Many a times I missed a job opportunity because the recruiter wanted me to come on a weekday and I vouched for a Saturday. Also, as our company started some new initiatives, I thought we have bought some time for job search.

But the sky fell on me on the fourth week of January.

During an informal meeting boss asked me to start searching job. At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. Is boss asking me to search job? My first reaction was of happiness. Finally, I can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon I realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. “How many days, sir”, I asked as if enquiring about a patient on deathbed. He didn’t give an answer and the colleague came out of his cabin with a shock on his face. The news spread like fire all over the organisation and a gloom pervaded.

The news about delayed salaries for January was divulged on the last day of the month.

At first my parents were shocked to hear this news. They had been listening to these news regularly on news channels. Now it had taken a toll of their own. A day later they decided to assure me to not fret. “You can easily get another job. Also what responsibilities you have to be so disappointed at job loss. Think of all those people who have a family to look after”, they said.

I know I have no responsibility. But once you become independent, it is so very difficult to fall back on your parents. Neither my parents, nor my brothers will ever cringe at fending for me. But I have grown up and I have a self esteem. I can’t go back to my parents and sit there doing nothing.

I have taken up to job search with a greater force now. Updated my resume on major job portals. Made changes in the resume to make it more attractive and leverage my skills.

But it is quite late now. At least that is what comes out of my week long job search.

The job market looks exhausted. Recruiters who used to be constant hindrance with their job calls seldom call these days. Each time the cell phone rings, I take it up with the thought of encountering the recruiter.

Salaries have become stickier subjects these days. When you disclose your salary, the hiring managers look disappointed. When you propose to cut your salary (to somehow get the job), they look at you with suspicion.

Most job portals have the same jobs for weeks. Companies are not hiring.

The recession is far from over. It is predicted to last until 2010 and the impact of it will pervade until the next two years. And I was thinking of job searching when the market improved a bit.

It has been 12 days in February and I still have no job in hand. I haven’t given resignation from my present company, although I am not attending office regularly.

Was planning to go home in February end, but think it will be better to postpone the plans right now. It will be so embarrassing to face people with an unemployment tag. Even in good times I am not that much of a people’s man. Only yesterday, my sister-in-law was complaining that I talk so little to her these days. Everyone thinks I am depressed about not getting jobs. Brother suggested that I go back to parents for a change. But I will not want to go now. Maybe I miss some of the interview calls.

Let’s see what has god in store for me. Until now life has been a cake walk for me. Never did I have to fret over a thing for long. Opportunities came up and I took them up without much questioning. Yes, there have been times when Life is threatened to be stalled. But I have let time to make path for me. Wasn’t I very tensed at the thought of contracting AIDS? Then I underwent a test and I was given a clean chit. Similarly the college authorities threatened to reject my candidature for exams. But when I went to submit the exam forms, they accepted it happily, not even charging a penalty. At first, he couldn’t believe his ears. Is boss asking him to search job? His first reaction was of happiness. Finally he can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon he realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. May be I will tide over this situation as well. But when will it be is the question that is raging over in my head.

yeah it has really been very long since i posted here. also there were 2 comments which i published it today only.

not because that i was all that busy. in fact my job is going to go and i will be very free from then on. god i don't want to be unemployed. please wish me luck my friends that i get a job soon. i want to be secure before my boss asks me to go.

actually why i was not writing or not even checking the dashboard, which is my favourite task, is a colleague who once spotted me opening the pink diary's stat report. although he didn't see what it was (thank god for that) he felt something fishy. i saved myself by telling that it is a content project that i had taken long back.

in the meantime, i got checked for AIDS. on 31st december i was free and instead of going to any parties (which noone had invited me to), i went to RML, delhi and got myself checked. thankfully i don't have AIDS. but i am still not convinced. actually that feminish guy i slept with (that i also mentioned in my last posts; the one with the kajal), i have doubt on him. but it also gives clean chit to all my past lovers.they were clean.

aur kya. bas ab job khojunga. kabhi mauka mila to ek do sexcapades bhi kar lunga. but first priority is a job. see a job is a man's identity. yes i am a man. not like J who wants to feel himself a lady; although both of us are pure bottoms.

chalo moving now.

yes one more thing. talks about my marriage has subsided. lagta hai parents now really know how unsafe my career is.

take care. bye for now.

The pressure for marriage is increasing.

now how do i explain to my parents that i am a gay and I cannot marry a girl.

not that i wouldn't have wanted to start a normal life. Even i like when a beautiful couple recounts their marriage years. but i know my limitation.

i am a passive gay. had i been an active one, i would at least have staged a fake marriage while actively pursuing an active gay life. but she would know me on day one of marriage. I wouldn't get excited on seein a girl.

And who am i to spoil a girl's life. that is not ethically correct. also i cannot expect her to love me without being satuisfied sexually- now that is such an important part of a marriage - that will only mean that i give her a go ahead to fulfill her sexual desires outside - which i cannot bear . I know i am being partial but ...

Also i don't have the guts to come open before my parents. also not the society.

so i am acting the postponiong game for now. thanks to the recession, i have convinced my parents that my job too is in danger. and so they have agree to wait until some years.

but these old parents of girls won't let me to live in peace. almost every week there is some or other person to meet father for my marriage.

god knows what is in store.

Did i tell u i was all alone for this entire week and i had decided to end my fast (I hope I have told you that i have not slept with men for an year now) in a grand way.

so including R, I have already slept with 2 men and i am already feeling the guilt pangs. Yes, if i go about my licentious behaviour for long, i start feeling the guilt pangs. so no sex for now.

so what do i do today. being a saturday, it was an off for me and i wanted to do something useful, not spend the entire day watching TV.

why don't i get tested for HIV?

Don't see me that way. i know i have slept with so many men but most of them were just sleeping and some body play. Only i few people have got the luxury to insert in me. And they too were quite novices, me being their first times.

But i have spent the whole day but no test.

why? that's a long story.

Got several numbers from Just Dial (22222222) but most of them were useless. some of them were outdated, others were not working in the field. Finally someone suggested that i go to some government hospital, which i didn't want. I wanted tio go to some specialised agency. the AIDS helpline number helped little - none was picking1197. 1097 too failed.

so the entire day was spent and none of my plans acheived. may be tomorrow i will go somewhere.

R too was an disappointment, at least his physical features were not all that to wow-wow about.

but he sure knew how to please me. In the half hours time that we spent together, my satisfaction levels reached to Neeraj times (ah that was an old lover with who I spent many a good times).

So R wasn't as good looking as his voice. He had hairs all over. Hey I am not being fussy, just that some amount of hair is okay, not all over your body.

It was a small meeting and went off without much to talk about. I am not very eager to meet im once again. Besides he has too much of an attitude. okays i m not going to devote such a big post to him.

people wish me luck. am meeting R today. remember R i talked about in one of my last posts.

he would be coming at my home today. did i tell you i am all alone for this entire week. yes, after a really long time. bhaiya bhabhi have gone to father's place. actually my bhabhi is going the family way (i mean she is going to give us a bhatija or bhatiji - whatever it be)

so i am utilising the time alone for bringing some excitement in life...you see e fasting period has been much too long - more than an year. had it not bee for the public toilet, i would have died of starvation.

yes, there's one more thing i would like to share. on monday i went to the same public toilet after bidding bhaiya bhabhi a farewell. and there i picked up a boy. oh it was such a disappointment. although he was a top, he was so feminish. i hate that kind of a behaviour. thankfully i brought him home late at night. and i was further aghast to look at his eyes which had kajal applied to them. yuck.

okz forget that. R is coming and i am already liking him - the way he talks, the way he addresses me as baby, the way we share our interests and all. by far it has just been a telephonic date. wish me luck that he comes to my expectations. also that he likes me. i am not that cheesy kind of gays around. in fact i don't want to be one. see i have to live a public life as well.