Sometimes, I can feel a void in my life. Although I release the frustration by releasing the seminal juice, I cannot understand what is it that I am really looking for.

If it’s a sex partner that I am searching for, I have had them in sufficient numbers. In my 27 years of existence, I have slept with more than two dozen men, making the average of one sex partner for every year. But each sexual encounter left me more dissatisfied. There was something that was missing in each of these short and long relationships.

Then my mind tells that my search would end at a friend. A friend, who may or may not be my kind, but who understands me. A friend with who I can share my feelings. A friend who will be with me thru thick and thin.

And then I rue about the loads of good friends that I let go because of one reason or other.

S was a childhood friend. He was who I could share everything with. Although a few years junior, we had grown together and he quit sports because I was not much of a sports guy (I would forever feel guilty for this). We enjoyed each others company. But there was a gap. As I reached my teens, it had dawned upon me that I am a gay. Although I had wanted to tell him many a times, I couldn’t ever find the courage. Then I moved to Delhi. His father retired and the entire family settled in their village. Now all we have as a friendship left are some phone calls and once in a year meetings.

Ann had been with me in class since Kindergarten. We would sit together at class. It was so much of a fun. We would laugh at the silliest of jokes. He had the most awful handwriting. I would joke that I can write better with my left hand. Joy joined our group and it was more fun. Ann’s father was transferred and he shifted school while in eighth standard. I was so lazy not to ever visit him at his new home just an hour away. I last met him at Delhi. He came to visit me at my office. I wasn’t able to meet him like the Adi of his childhood. Too much time had elapsed between our friendship.

I was never very good at making friends. I was too much of an introvert to make the first move. I was too much of a sissy to attract friendship proposals from others. Also I was finding easy preys in friends. As if people read my mind, they were not very welcoming.

So it has been a friendless existence that I have lived for all these years.

Quite a large number of gays that I have met have complained about this void in their lives. D, who is a bottom like me, wants to get married to get over this friendless existence, although he knows that he is incapable of maintaining a normal relationship with women. Sometimes, I too have similar feelings. It is so good to look at loving couples – they are more friends to each other than a partner in sex. I feel lonely at this age. What will be my state when I turn old, say 40, and decide to not marry? Will I become a party animal and visit clubs to do away with the loneliness (I hate them although I fancy attending them. They make me uncomfortable). But also I cannot ruin a girl’s life by marrying her. Also I will be ruining myself – I end at such disappointing notes always – because I am myself very uncertain.

Read about Nigah Queer Café at Guys4men.com and after an hour long duel with my mind, joined the gay meet at Connought Place in the evening today (I had to lure it with the thought of encountering lovely guys).

Although the programme was to start at 6.30 in the evening, reached there half an hour early, only to find the hall empty with chairs lined up and a projector screen at the other end of the hall.

Akhil was the first one to turn up. I soon picked up conversation with Akhil, who turned up to be a North Campusian. There was Davey too, a black guy with a great sense of humour. Donation and the backstage restroom figured many times in his talks. You will have to spare me for the donation this time. See I haven’t received my salary for the month of January.

Held on the eve of Valentines Day, how could have love missed the discussion. But we all chose to not define love. In fact, it is too broad a concept to define in so short a session.

People started coming in. There was Neelima with a friend; Neelima, with that mellifluous voice (I hate the use of adjectives, but her voice will look bland otherwise). And when she sang “aaiye meharban”, I was like transported to another world. She closed with an emosional atyachar from the movie Dev-D.

A few more people followed. Deepak entered the room and it was love at first sight. In specs, he really looked cool. The poem he read out of Margaret Atwood was enough to create at least a week long impression on my mind. Also there was Parth (or what was his name… the one with the French and Punjabi connection and with a deep voice). Deepak and Parth, you can drop your contact details in the comments if you please. Sorry, I have this habit of meandering away from the topic. Excuse me for the digressions.

Akhil did a wonderful job of story telling. He read from a Hindi novel on LGBT issues by Gitanjali Shree. Davey did a superb reading of his poem ‘her-ass-meant’, wordplay on the word ‘harassment’. Anuradha, another performer, read out beautiful poems to the audience.

Yes, there were also people from the Pink Chaddi campaign, the ones running a campaign against the Sri Ram Sene and Pramod Muthalik and the Mangalore incident. And immediately after the introduction on the campaign was the Pink Chaddi poem called chatak gulabi chaddi. Man, the guy would go mad hearing this poem with all the abuses.

More performances and finally it was time to use the projector screen. A documentary on AIDS followed. It was after the break and I missed a major part of the film. If anyone wants to fill in with more information on the film, he/she is welcome to do so as comments.

Also met H. During the break, he shared with me a Philipino organisation that says homosexuality can be altered. What say? I am meeting H some day again.

Quite satisfying the meet was. It was my first time and I loved the informal nature of the meet. Although my mind is a little disappointed with me for not meeting enough guys. I am consoling it about the next time Nigah comes up with a gay meet. Guys, I hope you will be sweet enough to let my mind choose some macho guys in the next meet.

Have you ever come through a situation where your wishes get fulfilled and you are not satisfied? The dissatisfaction is because there is another wish that’s on top of your mind at that particular point of time.

I am going through a similar situation these days.

At times, I was so angry at my schedule that I would crave for a break. Now I have ample time to myself, but I am not satisfied. Because right now finding a new job is on top of my mind.

The company that I have been working for around two years now is closing down. January month’s salary is still due. We have yet not taken the February month’s salary into account.

Not that this happened all of a sudden. The symptoms of the company headed towards closure could be felt as early as October, when our appraisals were postponed without any notice. The recession was in full swing and everyone thought that it’s better to continue getting salaries than being laid off like the lakhs of people working in top notch companies. Also our organisation was not asking for salary cuts like some companies in news. Also none of the business models, the company tried, had been profitable (will not go into these details).

But I knew that it is high time to change now. This was still October. I started looking for job opportunities. But the job market had taken a hit because of the economic slowdown, particularly the IT sector was too cautious at hiring. Besides the boss was so fussy about leaves that it was quite difficult to schedule interviews. Many a times I missed a job opportunity because the recruiter wanted me to come on a weekday and I vouched for a Saturday. Also, as our company started some new initiatives, I thought we have bought some time for job search.

But the sky fell on me on the fourth week of January.

During an informal meeting boss asked me to start searching job. At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. Is boss asking me to search job? My first reaction was of happiness. Finally, I can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon I realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. “How many days, sir”, I asked as if enquiring about a patient on deathbed. He didn’t give an answer and the colleague came out of his cabin with a shock on his face. The news spread like fire all over the organisation and a gloom pervaded.

The news about delayed salaries for January was divulged on the last day of the month.

At first my parents were shocked to hear this news. They had been listening to these news regularly on news channels. Now it had taken a toll of their own. A day later they decided to assure me to not fret. “You can easily get another job. Also what responsibilities you have to be so disappointed at job loss. Think of all those people who have a family to look after”, they said.

I know I have no responsibility. But once you become independent, it is so very difficult to fall back on your parents. Neither my parents, nor my brothers will ever cringe at fending for me. But I have grown up and I have a self esteem. I can’t go back to my parents and sit there doing nothing.

I have taken up to job search with a greater force now. Updated my resume on major job portals. Made changes in the resume to make it more attractive and leverage my skills.

But it is quite late now. At least that is what comes out of my week long job search.

The job market looks exhausted. Recruiters who used to be constant hindrance with their job calls seldom call these days. Each time the cell phone rings, I take it up with the thought of encountering the recruiter.

Salaries have become stickier subjects these days. When you disclose your salary, the hiring managers look disappointed. When you propose to cut your salary (to somehow get the job), they look at you with suspicion.

Most job portals have the same jobs for weeks. Companies are not hiring.

The recession is far from over. It is predicted to last until 2010 and the impact of it will pervade until the next two years. And I was thinking of job searching when the market improved a bit.

It has been 12 days in February and I still have no job in hand. I haven’t given resignation from my present company, although I am not attending office regularly.

Was planning to go home in February end, but think it will be better to postpone the plans right now. It will be so embarrassing to face people with an unemployment tag. Even in good times I am not that much of a people’s man. Only yesterday, my sister-in-law was complaining that I talk so little to her these days. Everyone thinks I am depressed about not getting jobs. Brother suggested that I go back to parents for a change. But I will not want to go now. Maybe I miss some of the interview calls.

Let’s see what has god in store for me. Until now life has been a cake walk for me. Never did I have to fret over a thing for long. Opportunities came up and I took them up without much questioning. Yes, there have been times when Life is threatened to be stalled. But I have let time to make path for me. Wasn’t I very tensed at the thought of contracting AIDS? Then I underwent a test and I was given a clean chit. Similarly the college authorities threatened to reject my candidature for exams. But when I went to submit the exam forms, they accepted it happily, not even charging a penalty. At first, he couldn’t believe his ears. Is boss asking him to search job? His first reaction was of happiness. Finally he can go for interviews without any need for explanation to boss. But soon he realised that something bad has happened to the organisation. May be I will tide over this situation as well. But when will it be is the question that is raging over in my head.