The pressure for marriage is increasing.

now how do i explain to my parents that i am a gay and I cannot marry a girl.

not that i wouldn't have wanted to start a normal life. Even i like when a beautiful couple recounts their marriage years. but i know my limitation.

i am a passive gay. had i been an active one, i would at least have staged a fake marriage while actively pursuing an active gay life. but she would know me on day one of marriage. I wouldn't get excited on seein a girl.

And who am i to spoil a girl's life. that is not ethically correct. also i cannot expect her to love me without being satuisfied sexually- now that is such an important part of a marriage - that will only mean that i give her a go ahead to fulfill her sexual desires outside - which i cannot bear . I know i am being partial but ...

Also i don't have the guts to come open before my parents. also not the society.

so i am acting the postponiong game for now. thanks to the recession, i have convinced my parents that my job too is in danger. and so they have agree to wait until some years.

but these old parents of girls won't let me to live in peace. almost every week there is some or other person to meet father for my marriage.

god knows what is in store.

Did i tell u i was all alone for this entire week and i had decided to end my fast (I hope I have told you that i have not slept with men for an year now) in a grand way.

so including R, I have already slept with 2 men and i am already feeling the guilt pangs. Yes, if i go about my licentious behaviour for long, i start feeling the guilt pangs. so no sex for now.

so what do i do today. being a saturday, it was an off for me and i wanted to do something useful, not spend the entire day watching TV.

why don't i get tested for HIV?

Don't see me that way. i know i have slept with so many men but most of them were just sleeping and some body play. Only i few people have got the luxury to insert in me. And they too were quite novices, me being their first times.

But i have spent the whole day but no test.

why? that's a long story.

Got several numbers from Just Dial (22222222) but most of them were useless. some of them were outdated, others were not working in the field. Finally someone suggested that i go to some government hospital, which i didn't want. I wanted tio go to some specialised agency. the AIDS helpline number helped little - none was picking1197. 1097 too failed.

so the entire day was spent and none of my plans acheived. may be tomorrow i will go somewhere.

R too was an disappointment, at least his physical features were not all that to wow-wow about.

but he sure knew how to please me. In the half hours time that we spent together, my satisfaction levels reached to Neeraj times (ah that was an old lover with who I spent many a good times).

So R wasn't as good looking as his voice. He had hairs all over. Hey I am not being fussy, just that some amount of hair is okay, not all over your body.

It was a small meeting and went off without much to talk about. I am not very eager to meet im once again. Besides he has too much of an attitude. okays i m not going to devote such a big post to him.

people wish me luck. am meeting R today. remember R i talked about in one of my last posts.

he would be coming at my home today. did i tell you i am all alone for this entire week. yes, after a really long time. bhaiya bhabhi have gone to father's place. actually my bhabhi is going the family way (i mean she is going to give us a bhatija or bhatiji - whatever it be)

so i am utilising the time alone for bringing some excitement in life...you see e fasting period has been much too long - more than an year. had it not bee for the public toilet, i would have died of starvation.

yes, there's one more thing i would like to share. on monday i went to the same public toilet after bidding bhaiya bhabhi a farewell. and there i picked up a boy. oh it was such a disappointment. although he was a top, he was so feminish. i hate that kind of a behaviour. thankfully i brought him home late at night. and i was further aghast to look at his eyes which had kajal applied to them. yuck.

okz forget that. R is coming and i am already liking him - the way he talks, the way he addresses me as baby, the way we share our interests and all. by far it has just been a telephonic date. wish me luck that he comes to my expectations. also that he likes me. i am not that cheesy kind of gays around. in fact i don't want to be one. see i have to live a public life as well.