I have laid more than two dozen men and failed at laying another two dozen people in all my life.

Now don't look at me like a slut. With most of them it was a mutual masturbation kind of behaviour.

With one guy there wasn't even masturbation. But I always feel guilty for M.

Why? that's a long story, but not as big as this post. So listen what happened.

Finding sex partner on yahoo messenger has always intrigued me. But not recently as two years ago, I brought home my first laptop and it was then that I actually started talking to boys.

but as a novice that i was, I went into the general chat room available on yahoo messenger. back in those days I didn't know of gay specific chat rooms. But none of the boys was ready to waste time in chatting with a boy. I mean they were straight guys and were hunting for girls.

So it was a girl that I took an avatar as (I mean virtually). created my first Yahoo ID as a female and in came a flood of boys waiting to chat with a girl.

bahut sarey ladkon ko apney peeche bhagaya (boys were mad after my virtual identity). They loved the way I chatted. Some of them left their phone numbers. others showed me their private parts through webcam. some of them invited me to their homes. I declined everyone.

and then I met Mikku. very different from all. Talked well but not obscenely. We would talk all kinds of things. He told me he was studying at a reputed B-school in Delhi, and hailed from rajasthan. I told that I was from Orissa so that he doesn't insist on a meeting.

I had started developing a liking for him. He was soft spoken but had a great sense of humour (turns me on). We would talk for hours at a stretch. I would gforget all tensions once I talked to him. He came online after 3 in the noon and I would hastily complete all tasks so that i can spare it for M.

M too had developed a love feeling for me. He said that his parents are forcing him for marriage. I didn't say anything. He said he had talked about me to his elder sister. I rebuked him for it.

Inside, i always knew that mikku is in love with the virtual identity. it is not me that he loves.

but i didn't have the guts to open before him. he was sullen for a number of days when i had tried to open up one day. And now if he comes to know that the girl he is loving and planning to marry is a boy, he will be shattered.

I didn't want to ruin M. I loved him too.

So the best was to disappear completely from yahoo.

Many months later, when i again logged into yahoo messenger with the same ID, There were several offline messages left for me. there was also one from M. he was going to marry on the 10th of that month. he had written:

"gauri, I am marrying on the 10th of this month. I don't know what happened between us. I don't know if I didn't look suitable to you. but if you want, u can still return to me. I don't care who you are and how you are until you are the same gauri that i have loved"

Sorry M. Yes i am the same gauri and I do love you a lot, but i will not be able to return to you. hope that god gives you the strength to forget me

R is the new man in my life. Most probably meeting him tomorrow.

haven't met him yet, but his talks gives me a thrill.

J called after a long time and then he asked if I am free...free in the sense that their are no sex partners as of now.

Nah, I told. He knows everything about the no boyfriend thing and still fakes ignorance.

And then he told me about R, who he has slept with, and asked me if I would be ready to sleep with R.

certainly dear...I can no longer starve for sex and will do it with the ugliest of persons.

He is not ugly. in fact a punjabi that he is, you will actually enjoy; J ensured.

Wow, a punjabi. They have always been my favourites. also I like jats a lot. have you seen this vijendra guy, the one who won that bronze in olympics for india. I lust for his body but wo bahut oonchi cheez hai (not accessible).

Okays coming to R now.

I have just talked to him now. He is a 30 years old married but genuine guy.

he opened his heart to me and so did I. Since most of the days I have talked to him from inside the office premises, we couldn't talk about sex a lot. but yes whatever I talked was satisfying. He asked my stats and was a bit impressed. not that I have that bobby darling kind of looks. In fact I hate to have such things. Even though I am a bit feminine, I don't want to make an outward show of the same. I have to live like a normal guy in the public and so all gayish behaviours inside the sex room only.

okz ending now. wish me luck that R stays in my life for a little long. I don't want to lose him just with a sex. I want to talk to him...chalo will talk to about those things some other day.

have i grown old?

how will you people know? you haven't ever seen me.

but I got this feeling when I was at that public toilet (remember, i mentioned it in the last posts. i surely have got an addiction. or is it because i have been off sex for so long).

So i was at this public toilet waiting for someone really attractive to look at me, and suddenly comes a boy (looks like he is from college, not more than 19). all eyes on him. people leave me waiting and run after him. he picks the most attractive of the lot and goes out to chart the dating plans.

So I always thought I can always lay people - whatever their age - and now these just out of college guys are giving me competition.

Dr. adi, in his survey among 1000 gay men in delhi, has discovered some key findings.

that's all a joke. don't take it seriously. i mean don't take the survey thing seriously. these are key findings for sure, but are based on my visits to a public toilet in delhi.

for me these facts were really new (can't say about you). and i believe that this applies more or less to gays around the world.

so here is what i found:

1. that a gay is not generally in the age bracket of 15 to 35 (max.). here i saw many elderly people too who had come here to fulfill their hunger for sex.
2. gay is not necessarily a phenomena with the elite and upper and middle class people. i came across many boys and men who stayed in slums closeby.
3. many men start with the excuse that they are not getting enough satisfaction with their wives.
4. they do look at features when choosing a partner for sex. quite a shock to me when some of the people ignored my advances. i mean i have seldom been declined.
5. there are some men who are straight but compromise with gay sex just to release their sexual desires.
6. gays do not have to look feminine. many of the masculine looking men have homosexual orientation.
7. in gays, there hardly is a thing called loyalty if it is determined by yours not sleeping with other men. you can be loyal to your man and still sleep once in a while with others, without angering your partner.

tell me how you liked it. impressed or not. tell me your views by commenting on this post.

i know some of you would be thinking that you knew this all along. but for me these are very new. most of my earlier experiences have been with straight guys. and lemme tell you, i love to turn straight guys into desperate gay lovers. the next time i will surely tell you about one.

hey i am a newbie to blogspot so i am not very aware of its functionalities. my earlier blogs were on wordpress so i decided to try this one. in days to come will try with more new free templates. so for the time being you will have to make do with this template only.

okay let me tell you about my latest fad.

you don't have to think much on this because it is sex that is there on my mind for most of the times. and this fad too is related with sex.

one of the gay friends that i met on bus (i don't know why i make friends with bottoms only. are there no tops available) introduced me to this public toilet in delhi. and what is so spercial about this public toilet.

yes it stinks (like every other) but is a regular hangout of gay men. wow you will say. I too had a similar expression. but my first experience at this place was not that good.

why?

it was dark inside. and J and i went in. a veteran J instantly picked a masculine looking guy and manouevered my hands to the dick of a moustached guy. and instantly i bore a dislike for the place.

this was not i had called for. elderly people. smelly people. people from the slums. I started feeling guilty. how low have you gone adi? my mind rebuked me.

that night i wasn't able to sleep.

on the next day, i was there once again. this time alone. and not in any hurry. ready to pick up men of my choice.

and ever since this public toilet has become like an addiction to me. everytime i am coming that way and it is after evening, i visit this toilet. and since then my experiences are turning out to be good. will keep you posted on some of these. but first some interesting findings on gay men that i came across because of my experience in this public toilet (in the next post)

ah a blog again. after more than one year of deleting my old blog.

so why did i delete my old blog and why do i blog (won't you like to know who i am before you start reading me). lemme answer these in my first post.

yes, this is not the first time that i am blogging. my last blog had more than forty posts and then deep (a friend i met on orkut) happened to me.

he was a gay like me (yes, i am a gay) but he knew that the indian society abhors gays and will not help us live unless we change us. but change as you will know is not easy my dear. sexuality is a greatest of all addictions and so you can subdue it and not come off it altogether.

so together we decided to subdue our gay personality. both of us haven't come out in the open about our sexual orientation.

and deleting the old blog was first in the process of subduing my gay identity. and yes there was orkut too (however, that was not very important since i didn't use it much).

what was important to me was my blog. instigated by deep and an inner desire in me to secure my future (i agree with deep that i cannot make a future by being an open gay. i am not that strong), i pressed the delete button and the blog was gone. i cried that night as if a close one had left me all alone.

the blog was close to me. why not? the blog was a voice for the hidden gay in me. I talked to people about how it is like being a gay. you are subjected to remarks that you are feminine. you have to unwillingly participate with them in jokes on gays. you have to forever live in fear for your future. your mouth is shut.

then i also talked about my experiences as a gay - with men of all kinds.

and the best part was that i was talking to the public at large - with no inhibitions. thanks to the anonymity that my blog provided to me.

but all was lost that night when i deleted the blog.

so why didn't i start a new blog again?

it was because i couldn't muster enough strength to once again create a thing that i lost. but i am doing now. i have started a new blog and yes this is after much deliberation going on in my mind. hope you would enjoy reading a closeted gays mind. i promise to once again voice my mind here. and sorry this time to delete button again.