I have laid more than two dozen men and failed at laying another two dozen people in all my life.

Now don't look at me like a slut. With most of them it was a mutual masturbation kind of behaviour.

With one guy there wasn't even masturbation. But I always feel guilty for M.

Why? that's a long story, but not as big as this post. So listen what happened.

Finding sex partner on yahoo messenger has always intrigued me. But not recently as two years ago, I brought home my first laptop and it was then that I actually started talking to boys.

but as a novice that i was, I went into the general chat room available on yahoo messenger. back in those days I didn't know of gay specific chat rooms. But none of the boys was ready to waste time in chatting with a boy. I mean they were straight guys and were hunting for girls.

So it was a girl that I took an avatar as (I mean virtually). created my first Yahoo ID as a female and in came a flood of boys waiting to chat with a girl.

bahut sarey ladkon ko apney peeche bhagaya (boys were mad after my virtual identity). They loved the way I chatted. Some of them left their phone numbers. others showed me their private parts through webcam. some of them invited me to their homes. I declined everyone.

and then I met Mikku. very different from all. Talked well but not obscenely. We would talk all kinds of things. He told me he was studying at a reputed B-school in Delhi, and hailed from rajasthan. I told that I was from Orissa so that he doesn't insist on a meeting.

I had started developing a liking for him. He was soft spoken but had a great sense of humour (turns me on). We would talk for hours at a stretch. I would gforget all tensions once I talked to him. He came online after 3 in the noon and I would hastily complete all tasks so that i can spare it for M.

M too had developed a love feeling for me. He said that his parents are forcing him for marriage. I didn't say anything. He said he had talked about me to his elder sister. I rebuked him for it.

Inside, i always knew that mikku is in love with the virtual identity. it is not me that he loves.

but i didn't have the guts to open before him. he was sullen for a number of days when i had tried to open up one day. And now if he comes to know that the girl he is loving and planning to marry is a boy, he will be shattered.

I didn't want to ruin M. I loved him too.

So the best was to disappear completely from yahoo.

Many months later, when i again logged into yahoo messenger with the same ID, There were several offline messages left for me. there was also one from M. he was going to marry on the 10th of that month. he had written:

"gauri, I am marrying on the 10th of this month. I don't know what happened between us. I don't know if I didn't look suitable to you. but if you want, u can still return to me. I don't care who you are and how you are until you are the same gauri that i have loved"

Sorry M. Yes i am the same gauri and I do love you a lot, but i will not be able to return to you. hope that god gives you the strength to forget me