ah a blog again. after more than one year of deleting my old blog.

so why did i delete my old blog and why do i blog (won't you like to know who i am before you start reading me). lemme answer these in my first post.

yes, this is not the first time that i am blogging. my last blog had more than forty posts and then deep (a friend i met on orkut) happened to me.

he was a gay like me (yes, i am a gay) but he knew that the indian society abhors gays and will not help us live unless we change us. but change as you will know is not easy my dear. sexuality is a greatest of all addictions and so you can subdue it and not come off it altogether.

so together we decided to subdue our gay personality. both of us haven't come out in the open about our sexual orientation.

and deleting the old blog was first in the process of subduing my gay identity. and yes there was orkut too (however, that was not very important since i didn't use it much).

what was important to me was my blog. instigated by deep and an inner desire in me to secure my future (i agree with deep that i cannot make a future by being an open gay. i am not that strong), i pressed the delete button and the blog was gone. i cried that night as if a close one had left me all alone.

the blog was close to me. why not? the blog was a voice for the hidden gay in me. I talked to people about how it is like being a gay. you are subjected to remarks that you are feminine. you have to unwillingly participate with them in jokes on gays. you have to forever live in fear for your future. your mouth is shut.

then i also talked about my experiences as a gay - with men of all kinds.

and the best part was that i was talking to the public at large - with no inhibitions. thanks to the anonymity that my blog provided to me.

but all was lost that night when i deleted the blog.

so why didn't i start a new blog again?

it was because i couldn't muster enough strength to once again create a thing that i lost. but i am doing now. i have started a new blog and yes this is after much deliberation going on in my mind. hope you would enjoy reading a closeted gays mind. i promise to once again voice my mind here. and sorry this time to delete button again.